Ingrained Guilt

“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1 NLT)

As a child, I was raised to be hyper responsible. This led me to believe that if people around me were depressed, disappointed, or dissatisfied, it was my role to fix it. Since it was impossible to keep everyone happy all the time, I ended up feeling inadequate. I felt like a turkey that was brined, baked, and basted in guilt and then glazed over with shame for good measure. And if that were not enough, there were always little salt and pepper shakers of it at the ready for additional sprinkling. I grew up thinking that everything must somehow be my fault. I took none of the credit if things worked out, but self-condemnation became second nature.

Over the years, I have learned to subdue the ingrained feelings of self-reproof. I try not to give credence to obligatory ‘shoulds’ and contrived customs. There will always be those who use blame and shame as weapons of manipulation. I realized that just because someone tries to place the responsibility for their discontent at my feet, it doesn’t mean I have to pick it up. In reality, I do not have power over other people’s emotions, but I can change my perspective.  

These days, I have traded in my feelings of disgrace for the extravagantly forgiving grace of God. I invite the Spirit of God to infuse me and cleanse me from the inside out. Where I am deficient, God is sufficient. When I am powerless, He is all-powerful. Nothing is beyond His reach or His understanding. I take a step back, make space, and wait patiently for God to work things out.