Apathetically Married

Couples who have been married for more than a decade could probably classify the current state of their relationship into one of the following categories: Unhappily Married, Miserably Married, Combatively Married, Apathetically Married, or Contentedly Married. Most of us cycle through each of these phases, but, unfortunately, some of us get stuck in one or more of the unpleasant stages. Many couples who are unhappy or miserable for prolonged periods end up dissolving their marriages; some may stay together to avoid social ostracization.

My observations lead me to believe that most couples who have been married for a long time settle into some form of apathy. They may still bicker about money or remind each other of responsibilities--but overall, they don’t care about the welfare of the other spouse--unless it somehow affects the rest of the family. Here are a few examples: your husband misplaced his favorite golf club, and you don’t really care that he is frustrated, OR  your wife is sad because the tomatoes she planted were destroyed by frost, and you don’t even notice that she is upset. In apathetic marriages, one or both spouses frequently ‘check-out’ emotionally. They stop caring.

The prevailing advice for resuscitating apathetic marriages involves having more fun together, or trying new hobbies, etc. Yet, pursuing distractions together doesn’t necessarily make us care more for one another. I think that reviving marriages requires Divine grace--and grace cannot be forced or managed. All we can do is be open and accepting of the grace that flows freely all around us.

Lopsided

Homeostasis is the body’s ability to maintain equilibrium by compensating for disruptive changes. When there is a deviation of our normal body temperature, blood pressure, or pH, receptors in our body send signals to our brain. The brain then sends signals to our organs to make adjustments through a negative feedback system. Maintaining homeostasis takes up a lot of energy because our bodies are in a constant state of flux.

Maintaining stasis in a marriage also takes a lot of energy. It’s difficult enough to find your own balance, but when you are yoked together with another person, it becomes even more challenging. For example, when one spouse has a career that is quite demanding in terms of time, flexibility, commitment of resources, stress, and energy—the other spouse ends up having to compensate for this disequilibrium. Once we sense that something is out of balance, we have to address it, even if  it involves negative feedback. Both spouses will have to make adjustments, reevaluate priorities, and modify expectations.

Once we acknowledge that things are lopsided, we can provide each other with a counterbalance. We can make adjustments, give more when it is required, and ask for more when we need it. We can plug up leaks that are draining our resources, while shoring up broken areas in our walls. A harmonious marriage requires this constant attention, feedback, and adaptation.