The Downside of Communal Parenting

Communal living, with extended family members living under the same roof, is still common in certain cultures. I happen to be from one of these cultures which advocates multigenerational cohabitation. Married couples with children are encouraged to live with extended family members. The concept of the ‘nuclear family’ is rejected. Boundaries between relatives are erased. When several sets of adults are living together, personal accountability and individual responsibility become scarce. 

Communal living arrangements allow adults to remain codependent. This, in turn, leads to a disintegration of the nuclear family and parental roles. Parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, older siblings, and nannies are all allowed to play parenting roles according to their own ideas and agendas. This might seem ideal at first glance. Yet, in reality, it merely waters down the responsibility of parenting. Oftentimes, child rearing is considered a menial task and thus delegated to those who cannot earn money doing something 'better'. Young parents are encouraged to pursue careers and leave the parenting to older relatives and other surrogates. The roles of husband/father/man of the house, wife/mother/woman of the house—all become blurred. No one takes up the mantle of accountability. The nuclear family becomes like a ship with no captain at the helm—tugged in different directions.

Some of us justify this practice by claiming that we are making sacrifices so that our kids can have a better future! Let’s take a closer look at this myth. If you are a single parent who is not able to feed or shelter your young children, it is perfectly reasonable to seek the assistance of relatives or friends for a short time until you get back on your feet. Hopefully you have the sense not to bring any more children into this world until you are able to care for them without the help of extended family. However, when dual career, married parents justify passing on their parental responsibilities to others--so that their children can live in bigger houses, go to better schools, and consume more expensive products—we can’t honestly claim that this is a sacrifice! Unless, of course, we are admitting that we are sacrificing our parental responsibilities on the altar of ambition and materialism.