Riding in the Back Seat

Recently, I experienced a milestone in my life. I rode in the back seat of my car while my first-born drove on the freeway. I about peed in my pants! I managed to keep my bladder control, but I couldn’t hold in my anxious gasps. Every time he drove on a curving overpass at 70 mph, I felt sure we were all going to die. It took me awhile to figure out that my perspective from the back seat was different from what the driver saw from the front seat.

We’ve all heard of ‘back-seat drivers’, passengers who are riding in the back seat of a car, but feel compelled to constantly criticize and correct the driver. Some of us exhibit this trait outside cars as well. We give advice and instruction in situations where others are in control, where we don’t have the same perspective. We take over responsibilities that are not ours, thereby diminishing the sense of competence of others.

I am learning to be a back-seat rider. Someone who is within reach when the driver needs companionship or advice. I want to give others space to make their own decisions and their own mistakes. I want them to feel accepted, independent, competent. I want them to know I trust them and believe in their ability to figure things out. Most of all, I need to acknowledge that I myself am not an expert in anything and don’t have all the right answers.

First Psychotic Breaks

My husband feeds me little bits of interesting information regularly. Sometimes it’s just a goofy joke from Facebook. Other times it’s something he read in a medical journal. Yesterday, he told me how young people are more likely to have psychotic breaks due to the stress of all the transitions they go through. Young adults in their late teens and early twenties face a lot of changes and challenges. Moving away from home for college, increased responsibilities and pressures, career planning, paying their own bills, lack of sleep and proper nutrition, hormonal fluctuations, moral quandaries, relationship issues, all can lead to feelings of instability. Some young people face additional challenges like learning disabilities, social anxiety, alcohol or drug dependencies, financial hardships, health problems, or low self esteem. It’s amazing that anyone comes out of this phase without getting bruised!

I’ve been thinking about how, as parents we can assist our young men and women through these minefields without self-destructing. Prayer is the first thing that comes to mind. We have to surrender our young people into God’s hands and constantly remind ourselves that God is in control. I’m reminded of the Israelites facing the Red Sea while being pursued by the Egyptian army from the rear. God made a way, where there was no way.

As parents, we also need to be respectful and accepting of our young people. Their choices might not make sense to us, yet we need to acknowledge that they have the right to choose. We also have to be available and on-call. Young adults might not need parents as much as young children, but sometimes we are their only source of stability.

I don’t have much experience in these things and as usual, most of this writing is just notes to myself…

Bossy Pants

Here’s my latest business idea. You’ve seen pants with words written across the backside. I’ve seen ‘juicy’, ‘hottie’, and various college logos. Well, my version of this design would have the word ‘Bossy’ emblazoned on the rear! Great Idea, right?!

Yes, I’m a self-proclaimed bossy pants. I inherited the bossy gene from both my parents. (Note to self: design ‘Bossy Jeans’ next!) My sister, on the other hand, is accommodating and cooperative. Unfortunately, this makes her the recipient of the rest of the family’s domineering ways.

Sometimes I forget how damaging bossiness can be. It diminishes others. God created humans and gave us free will. He has an ideal vision for each of our lives, yet He does not push His agenda on us. We are given the choice to make mistakes and learn from them. When I impose my will on others, I dehumanize them.

I would not necessarily want the word ‘accommodating’ written on the back of my pants either! (Actually, I would never want anything written on my butt!) What I would like is to change from being bossy, but not so far as becoming passive. Neither pushy nor a push-over. I would like to be assertive, principled, and respectful of others’ boundaries. To be bold when defending the rights of others, yet accepting when their vision is different than my agenda.

Battling Guilt

According to Cathy Guisewite, creator of “Cathy” comic strip, “Food, love, career and Mothers are the four major guilt groups.”

Tell me about it!

If I could draw a sketch about guilt it would look like this: There would be a cliff labeled ‘Societal Standards’. Then across from it, there would be another cliff labeled ‘Reality’. In between the gap, between these two cliff edges, would be a river labeled guilt, and I would be swimming in it. If I could draw, I would have made a t-shirt out of it!

I wish I were impervious to guilt. Wish I had a guilt-free recipe for life. Instead, I’m so familiar with this emotion that I’ve made up my own stages of guilt: shame, anger, doubt, dejection, and isolation.

I’ve been wondering how to defend against guilt. Do I just ignore it? Do I accept that I can never meet societal expectations? Or should I internalize these standards and use guilt as a motivating factor to propel me towards them?

I don’t know… I feel dejected and want to be left alone.

Motivation for Change

What motivates an alcoholic to quit drinking? Or an obese person to lose weight? Most of us realize the need for change and the benefits these changes bring. Yet, we are unable to turn around, even when we know we are headed in the wrong direction. That is, until some situation gets our attention.

Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, says the following about this subject: “We don't change too often when we see the light, but we always change when we feel the heat. God lights a fire under us and we get moving.”

The biggest motivation for change is affliction. The more horrible the pain, the more galvanized we are to alter the trajectory of our course. The possibility of gain also spurs us to change, although not as intensely.

The most transformative times of my life have been shrouded in pain. I used to be proud (bordering on arrogant), self-reliant and completely sure of myself. I had my plan and knew I was organized enough to implement it. Then life rolled in like an ocean, with unceasing, unpredictable waves, tossing my plans.

We question why God allows suffering. God created us in His image, in His mold. As Rick Warren says, “He's more interested in your character than your comfort.” Character formation, not personal happiness, is God’s goal for us.

God’s Part vs. Our part

Some people take credit for all that is good in their lives, yet blame God or their circumstances for everything that goes wrong. Every blessing, opportunity, and circumstance is from God. Some of us have succeeded because we are talented, wise, disciplined, intelligent, responsible, and hard- working… all this, too, is from God. So what is our part?

When my husband is fixing something, I try to help. I’ve learned to give him a lot of elbow room to work. I just wait quietly and stay a few feet to the side till he asks me to hold something or go get a tool.

I think this is how God works too. Our part is to get our egos out of the way so God can do his part. Our ego tells us that we can fix ourselves and our situations. It tells us that we have the tools and the knowledge to use them properly. We occasionally ask for God’s input, but then we crowd Him with our opinions and instructions.

Along with giving God ample space to work, we must also wait by His side attentively. We can’t just leave the premises thinking we have no role in God’s work. He usually asks us to assist in some seemingly minor way. God is the Master in every situation. We are always just apprentices in training.

　

Waiting for Inspiration

Several people have asked me how I can come up with something to write every morning. I can’t! Some days, I can sit for hours staring at a sentence, rearranging and rewriting the words over and over again. Other days, the ideas come like a herd of wild horses and I can’t find the sentences to corral them. When uninterrupted time and inspiration coincide, then I’m in a beautiful zone.

Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz, says the following about writing:
“Being a writer is like taking pictures of weather. You have to be there, but so does the weather. If either of you don’t show up, the day is a loss. So, the key to writing is to always be there and hope the weather shows up too.”

I really like this analogy. If I were trying to take pictures of a certain cloud formation, I wouldn’t say: Well, I have 10 minutes this morning. I think I’ll go out and click a few pictures of some cumulonimbus clouds. No, I would have to be patient, be willing to stay outside for however long it took, till the clouds emerged. Now, if it so happened that there were only cirrus clouds on a particular day, then I would probably capture their image even though I set out in search of a different cloud formation.

Every day I sit and wait for the words. Some days they show up; other days I wait alone. I write madly on some days and just sit and think on other days. Most of what I post on this blog is written a week ahead. I like to tweak, edit, and add as my thoughts sit and simmer. Word stew tastes better the longer it sits. The flavors blend and absorb into the pieces. However, there have been times when I read something the next day and it felt stupid. Then I delete the whole thing and start again.