It's Complicated

(from Joshua Study)

“Worship him in total commitment. Get rid of the gods your ancestors worshiped.” (23:14 MSG)

“Say an unqualified Yes to God. (Josh 24:23)

Don’t wander off; stay committed to God.

It is tempting to idolize the same things as our ancestors, neighbors, and friends—or the same things that we ourselves worshipped in our past. Although I profess to be committed to God, I’m drawn to the ideas of this world. I don’t want to give myself up to Him. I would like a partial commitment.

Young couples these days tend to have several stages of commitment: (here are a few vaguely defined stages--not necessarily in order) ‘just hanging out’, ‘hooking-up’, ‘dating’, ‘friends with benefits,’ ‘in a relationship’ on FaceBook, ‘exclusive’, ‘living together’, engaged, ‘having a baby together’, ‘significant other’, ‘in a committed relationship’, marriage, ‘It’s complicated’…

The lines are intentionally blurry, because nobody wants to commit totally or say an ‘unqualified yes’ to anything.  

I’m not so young, yet I too am hesitant to say an unqualified yes to God—to totally commit myself to Him.  

“As for me and my family, we will worship God.” (24:15 MSG)

Yeah, I have a plaque inscribed with this on my kitchen windowsill—but as far as LIVING it—well… “It’s complicated.” 

Ego-Boosting Gifts

 “A flattering neighbor is up to no good; he’s probably planning to take advantage of you.” (Proverbs 29:5 MSG)

A few months ago, I took the entrance exam to apply for MBA school. In the process of studying for it, I realized that I don’t really fit the typical MBA profile; I’m just not that profit-motivated.

This week, I got a package in the mail. A big box with a stainless steel coffee cup embossed with the name of the Business School, a bag of gourmet coffee, a personal note urging me to apply to their program, and a waiver for the application fee. (The box was twice as big as it needed to be for the contents; it was mostly filled with black shredded streamers.)

I have to admit--I was flattered. I haven't had somebody 'woo' me in a few decades.

Maybe I was mistaken; maybe I am a good fit for this after all. It sure would impress others. Plus this school WANTs me...I decided to take another look at their website. Nope, it still didn’t feel like it would be a good fit.

Then it dawned on me that being a school of business, they probably had several students working on 'marketing' for the school. They probably sent this stuff out to every person that had a decent score on the entrance exam. Colleges make a great deal of money from their graduate schools. Sending out a $20 box of merchandise for a possible return of around $30,000 is a good marketing strategy--and I almost fell for it.

I will hang on to the cup—hopefully it will serve as a reminder of how I almost sold my soul for silver? (Technically stainless steel, but 'silver' works better for this analogy.)

Lessons learned: Temptations usually come in seductive, ego-boosting packages. Subtle flattery can be an alluring trap. When someone strokes your ego, there might be an underlying agenda.   

Lopsided

Homeostasis is the body’s ability to maintain equilibrium by compensating for disruptive changes. When there is a deviation of our normal body temperature, blood pressure, or pH, receptors in our body send signals to our brain. The brain then sends signals to our organs to make adjustments through a negative feedback system. Maintaining homeostasis takes up a lot of energy because our bodies are in a constant state of flux.

Maintaining stasis in a marriage also takes a lot of energy. It’s difficult enough to find your own balance, but when you are yoked together with another person, it becomes even more challenging. For example, when one spouse has a career that is quite demanding in terms of time, flexibility, commitment of resources, stress, and energy—the other spouse ends up having to compensate for this disequilibrium. Once we sense that something is out of balance, we have to address it, even if  it involves negative feedback. Both spouses will have to make adjustments, reevaluate priorities, and modify expectations.

Once we acknowledge that things are lopsided, we can provide each other with a counterbalance. We can make adjustments, give more when it is required, and ask for more when we need it. We can plug up leaks that are draining our resources, while shoring up broken areas in our walls. A harmonious marriage requires this constant attention, feedback, and adaptation. 

Juggling

“Work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls-- family, health, friends, integrity-- are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered.” (--Gary Keller, The One Thing)

Juggling the balls of work, family, health, relationships, and integrity is something most adults have to do. We attempt to be dedicated to our careers and devoted to our family and friends. We also want to take care of our health and stay true to ourselves. However, we routinely drop the ball on one or more of these goals.

We are forced to choose among all our different commitments. We can’t concentrate on all these things at the same time—at least not for very long. Some of us drop the ball of health first—we stop nourishing our bodies properly; we don’t get adequate rest or exercise; we stop paying attention to our mental and emotional health. Others might drop friendships or family or work before anything else. When we are exhausted, spirituality and personal integrity seem like idealistic luxuries that we cannot afford.

We operate on the false belief that all aspects of our life are equally resilient. Yet, the above quote by Gary Keller reminds us that this is not true. Glass balls can’t be dropped without shattering consequences. 

Dealing with Mail

Every day my husband picks up the mail from our mailbox. It stays on the dining table until we go through it and sort it out. The junk mail goes straight into the trash—we don’t even open it. The bills are put in the pile next to the computer until they are paid, and then we file them away. The grocery store circulars are kept on my kitchen shelf, so I can plan my shopping and meals around whatever is on sale that week. I go through a similar process with emails. I go through them daily—deleting and reporting spam, replying to personal emails, and deleting old messages that are no longer relevant.

What if, instead of sorting through it, we just took all the mail and stored it permanently? This would not be a good way to deal with it! Junk mail and expired grocery store circulars would be mixed in with important pieces of mail. The subsequent clutter would make it difficult to retrieve relevant information when it is needed.

Think of all the incoming messages that enter our heads on a daily basis. Some are our own ideas; some are from the outside world. A good amount of it is junk; some of it is useful in the short term; and finally, there are a few that need to be stored permanently. Messages that are false, manipulative, flattering, or draining—need to be pitched into the trash right away. People may give you advice or information that is relevant to your current phase of life—consider it, and keep it on hand for as long as it is needed—but get rid of it when it is no longer applicable. For example, if you are a mom with young children, you might be given advice on how much care and undivided attention children need. However, after the kids are grown, this information is no longer applicable to your situation, and keeping it on file can just be guilt-inducing and limiting. Finally, there are lessons which are meant to be internalized forever —core principles, information that is structurally integral to our true meaning and purpose. We can’t get these important messages mixed in with the junk.

So, regularly sort through the all incoming ideas; deal with them immediately and appropriately. Every few years, clean out your mental files and get rid of anything that is no longer useful. This allows clarity and quick access to integral truths. 

Alleviating Suffering

We are surrounded by physical and emotional pain, disease, poverty, oppression, loneliness, stress, violence, fear, sadness, rejection, and bondage. Some of it is self-inflicted, and some brought about by the poor choices of those around us. Many natural disasters and random accidents are classified as ‘acts of God,’ because it is harder to trace their cause. However, upon closer inspection many of these can be attributed to human neglect as well.

If I could eradicate suffering completely, I would. Since I am not able to do so, I merely attempt to alleviate pain. Yet, God seems to think it’s a necessary part of the human experience. I agree that suffering molds us into more compassionate, humble, empathetic individuals—however, if it were up to me, I’d figure out an easier way to acquire these virtues. For example, I want my son to be virtuous and kind. Yet, I’m not eager for him to suffer in order to get these characteristics.

Benjamin Franklin is known for the popular saying: “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” It would be much easier to prevent the cause of a problem than to find a solution to pain after it is inflicted. Take, for example, the suffering that is caused by divorce. Divorce affects the married couple, the kids, the friends, and extended family members. The problems that lead up to a divorce are complicated. It may be that a couple is mutually incompatible to begin with, but doesn’t realize it until a few years into the marriage. Or the pressures of life distracted them from nurturing their relationship and focusing on each other. Yet, there are many opportunities to pause, yield, forgive, be kind,—to change the trajectory of the relationship.

Not all suffering is preventable. However, we could minimize some of the misery if we learned from our experiences. Pay attention to the cause of pain, sickness, scarcity, alienation, heartache, debt…It’s simpler to prevent a wreck than to deal with the consequences. 

Why Pride Is Unproductive

“Whenever you’re trying to look better than others or get the better of others, things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others’ throats.” (James 3:13-16 MSG)

Most of the attributes that we are proud of—beauty, wealth, status, intelligence, strength, etc.—are fleeting. A visit to any nursing home will remind you of this fact.

While pride may make you feel good initially, it makes others feel inadequate in the long run. (Actually, after the first few seconds, it makes you look bad too.)

Pride is like driving a Hummer in the city. It might turn heads and make the driver feel admired. Yet, the cost to the environment is much higher than any benefit the driver might get from it. Even if driving a Hummer can be attention-getting, driving a gas-guzzler through city roads rarely brings admiring glances. Not to mention that it makes other drivers uncomfortable when they have to share the road with such a huge vehicle.

Humility, on the other hand, might make you appear a bit insignificant at first glance. Yet it usually allows others to feel relaxed and comfortable around you. In the long run, you are admired for your true qualities rather than the magnified version that pride nudges you to present to the world. 

Pride comes with a high maintenance cost; however, ultimately, it is unsustainable. Strictly speaking, a cost-benefit analysis of pride would show that the benefits are just not worth the cost—to yourself or to others. Humility is much more cost-effective and productive.