Destructive Criticism

According to the dictionary, constructive criticism is advice or criticism that is useful and intended to help or improve something.

Most critics will argue that their intentions are to help and improve the situation, but in my experience, criticism is more often destructive than constructive.
  
Destructive criticism is worse than useless--it is downright harmful. It destroys self-esteem, weakens marriages, and tears apart relationships. Some critical people believe that it makes them feel better to air their grievances about others, even though they can’t change them.

“Our present time is indeed a criticizing and critical time. Our complaints are like arrows shot up into the air at no target: and with no purpose they only fall back upon our own heads and destroy ourselves.” ~William Temple

How many times have you received criticism that compelled you to change? Personal change is rarely induced by the opinion of others, but because of internal convictions. There are a few people who regularly invest in my life and have gained my respect. They are the only ones who have the power to motivate me to change.

Next time you feel the need to offer constructive criticism, ask yourself if this is likely to promote change or just cause more damage.

Managing Destruction

Recently, I saw the movie John Carter. I wouldn’t recommend it. The plot is convoluted. An ex civil war soldier is transported to Mars, where he joins a battle against evil, involving dark angels, various alien creatures, and two opposing human civilizations! The movie had a few memorable lines though. One of the evil angels says: “We do not cause the destruction of a world…We simply manage it. Feed off it, if you like. It is a game we have been playing since the beginning…We will continue to play it long after Earth ends.”

I found this concept interesting. The dark angel goes on to say how civilizations eventually self-destruct by war, over-consumption of resources, or the desire for domination. The powers of evil just have to manage, supervise, and occasionally manipulate, while humans destroy themselves and their surroundings.

This got me thinking… How does evil go about manipulating me into self-destruction?

C.S. Lewis, in his book The Screw Tape Letters, describes the subtle, yet methodical tactics of evil. Impatience grows into annoyance, which comes out as angry and hurtful words. Pride and stubbornness promote self-righteousness and legalism. Self-interest leads to apathy towards others. Gluttony and greed become acceptable. The powers of darkness casually wait on the sidelines. A suggestion here, a tweak of emotion there, and humans can degenerate on their own.

Fortunately, God knew that humans were flawed, and He made a plan to save us from destruction.
“And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.  In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.” (2 Peter 1:4-7 NLT)

Picking Burdens

The other day, I went to my favorite hangout. The Library. I’ve mentioned before that I used to carry a large gym bag on wheels to load up my books. Then I noticed that the librarians started referring to me as the ‘bag lady’. Not to mention, my son was a bit embarrassed to go to the library with me. So I decided to ditch the bag on wheels. This time I was at the library with no book bag, trying to look cool. But, as usual, I couldn’t limit myself to fewer than 20 books. So I just ended up looking like a nerd who forgot her book bag! I almost tripped down the stairs, because I couldn’t see where I was going. I know that I can only read maybe 2 or 3 books in the 3 weeks before these books are due. Yet, I pick up more than I can handle because it all looks interesting. Just because the library allows me to choose as many books as I want, doesn’t mean I should.

I do the same with burdens and worries. I pick up more than I can handle. I know that there are few things that I have power over. I also know that I have limited time and energy. Yet, I pick up worries that might trip me up, and carry these burdens home. They lie around just cluttering up my life.

I need to be more selective in the burdens I pick up. I can only deal with so many at one time. I have to be realistic about my limitations. Just because I have the choice to pick up burdens that are not meant for me, doesn’t mean I should.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

Soul Quakes

I read the word ‘soul quake’ in the article by Willard that I mentioned yesterday. I’d never heard this word before, but instantly loved it.
　
Here is Willard’s description of a soul quake:
“It is a subtle shifting of vision, of feeling and will—of how people see things and feel about things, especially about themselves and what they are doing. The shifts in belief and the conscious decisions are only the epicenter of the ‘soul quake.’ They lie at the surface of life. The center lies miles deep in the soul of the individuals involved.” (Excerpt from “Living in the Vision of God” by Dallas Willard)

Have you ever experienced such a soul quake? A shift in the tectonic plates deep within you that changes the surface landscape of your life? I have. I’ve had quakes that led to devastating tsunamis that washed away everything. I also have small-scale daily quakes, so subtle that I hardly notice them anymore. I am no longer the person I was 30 years ago. Each soul quake shifts my perspective, my attitude, my decisions, and subsequently the topography of my life.

“When the earth quakes and its people live in turmoil, I am the one who keeps its foundations firm.” (Psalm 75:3 NLT)

God is aware of every situation that shakes our core. He notices every rift and every crack. Our Lord keeps us steady, prevents us from caving into ourselves. God keeps us firm and stable, even through the soul quakes.

Vision vs. Mission

I recently read a very good article by Dallas Willard titled “Living in the Vision of God”. Here is a link to the article:
http://www.dwillard.org/articles/artview.asp?artid=96

It’s a long article, and I had to read it several times to digest it. Willard talks about how a godly person might have a vision and found a movement. Others are attracted to this person’s fire or charisma and become followers. But somewhere along the line the mission takes over the original vision, and what starts off as passion, fire, and love for Christ ends up becoming a building project.

Building projects can be typical brick and mortar structures. They can also be just concepts of expansion. For example, an individual may be on fire to love and serve God. Her passion attracts others. The group is on a mission to spread Christ’s love. The logistics of where, when, how, finances, scheduling, and flyers overshadow the original vision. Expansion, growth, goals, success, numbers, etc. become the focus. The vision becomes blurry, while the mission becomes the driving force.

Willard has some suggestions for postponing this inevitable drift from the original vision. If God is our first love, we will have a natural inclination to muse upon God all the time. Continual meditation on God leads us to the realization of our own inadequacy in contrast to God’s all-sufficiency. Humility in our abilities leads to dependence on God. What follows is a boldness in our hearts that is based on confidence in God’s capacity. This juxtaposition of humility and boldness keeps us from taking over God’s vision.

Riding in the Back Seat

Recently, I experienced a milestone in my life. I rode in the back seat of my car while my first-born drove on the freeway. I about peed in my pants! I managed to keep my bladder control, but I couldn’t hold in my anxious gasps. Every time he drove on a curving overpass at 70 mph, I felt sure we were all going to die. It took me awhile to figure out that my perspective from the back seat was different from what the driver saw from the front seat.

We’ve all heard of ‘back-seat drivers’, passengers who are riding in the back seat of a car, but feel compelled to constantly criticize and correct the driver. Some of us exhibit this trait outside cars as well. We give advice and instruction in situations where others are in control, where we don’t have the same perspective. We take over responsibilities that are not ours, thereby diminishing the sense of competence of others.

I am learning to be a back-seat rider. Someone who is within reach when the driver needs companionship or advice. I want to give others space to make their own decisions and their own mistakes. I want them to feel accepted, independent, competent. I want them to know I trust them and believe in their ability to figure things out. Most of all, I need to acknowledge that I myself am not an expert in anything and don’t have all the right answers.

First Psychotic Breaks

My husband feeds me little bits of interesting information regularly. Sometimes it’s just a goofy joke from Facebook. Other times it’s something he read in a medical journal. Yesterday, he told me how young people are more likely to have psychotic breaks due to the stress of all the transitions they go through. Young adults in their late teens and early twenties face a lot of changes and challenges. Moving away from home for college, increased responsibilities and pressures, career planning, paying their own bills, lack of sleep and proper nutrition, hormonal fluctuations, moral quandaries, relationship issues, all can lead to feelings of instability. Some young people face additional challenges like learning disabilities, social anxiety, alcohol or drug dependencies, financial hardships, health problems, or low self esteem. It’s amazing that anyone comes out of this phase without getting bruised!

I’ve been thinking about how, as parents we can assist our young men and women through these minefields without self-destructing. Prayer is the first thing that comes to mind. We have to surrender our young people into God’s hands and constantly remind ourselves that God is in control. I’m reminded of the Israelites facing the Red Sea while being pursued by the Egyptian army from the rear. God made a way, where there was no way.

As parents, we also need to be respectful and accepting of our young people. Their choices might not make sense to us, yet we need to acknowledge that they have the right to choose. We also have to be available and on-call. Young adults might not need parents as much as young children, but sometimes we are their only source of stability.

I don’t have much experience in these things and as usual, most of this writing is just notes to myself…