Conformity

Nonconformists have always been seen as dangerous rebels by many communities.

For the first few decades of my life, I lived immersed in a culture of uniformity. My family socialized with others who were very similar to us. Everyone emulated each other, aspired to the same priorities, and any deviation from the group’s thoughts was frowned upon. This poisonous conformity was passed on from generation to generation. Parents were held responsible for their children’s indoctrination, even after these children had grown into adults. Anyone who refused to go along was considered as ‘other’, a threat to ‘our’ way of life. Many of us are part of small, counter-culture groups and we see our group as different from the rest of the world. Yet, we still succumb to the pressure to conform to our particular clique.

 “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” (Romans 12:2 NLT)

St. Teresa of Avila says that our need for the world’s esteem (and that of our friends and relatives) is like a poisonous snake. Its venomous bite keeps us occupied. And prevents us from entering our own soul where God is waiting.

“For in perfect conformity to God’s will lies all our good. Let us strive to do what lies in our power and guard ourselves against poisonous little reptiles.” (from The Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila)

 
Obligatory and superficial relationships weaken and distract us from God. They keep us preoccupied with worldly transactions, societal values, and fitting into the expectations of others. Eventually we are molded by our environment into zombie-like clones of each other. On the other hand, healthy social relationships press us forward into conformity with God. We can’t fit two molds at once. Either we are molded by the world, or we are conformed to Christ.

Passivity

I’m usually compulsive about being productive. However, for the past few weeks, I’ve been dragging. A combination of anxiety, melancholy, lack of sleep, and lack of appetite have led to a general feeling of passivity. I couldn’t motivate myself to write much last week. The two blog posts I did write were written in states of semi-consciousness. They had a numinous quality to them that I rather liked. I wondered if I should stop writing daily and wait passively until God had something to say through me. So I came to my laptop intending to write on the benefits of being passive and completely surrendered before God. I waited. Nothing came to me. After a while, I got up and did some housework. Sometimes this helps, but this time it didn’t. So I went online and typed in the phrase, ‘passivity and God’, and happened upon this article by Watchman Nee, titled “Passivity and its Dangers.”  Here is an excerpt:

The passivity of a saint arises out of the non-use of his various talents. He has a mouth but refuses to talk because he hopes the Holy Spirit will speak through it. He has hands but will not engage them since he expects God to do it. He does not exercise any part of his person but waits for God to move him. He considers himself fully surrendered to God; so he no longer will use any element of his being. Thus he falls into an inertia which opens the way for deception and invasion… He does not realize that God never demands passivity; it is the powers of darkness which have propelled him into this state…Let the Christian mark this well that once he has perceived the will of God in his spirit’s intuition his whole being needs to be employed actively in executing God’s will. He should not be passive. (Watchman Nee) http://www3.telus.net/trbrooks/passivitydangers.htm

This hit me in the face like a bucket of ice-cold water! This was exactly the opposite of what I intended to write about.

God wants us to co-operate with Him. He doesn’t want passive puppets, but active employees. Passivity turns us into inert, ineffective Christians.

How come all the people you see running outside are the ones that least need exercise, while the people who need exercise the most are not out there? Once you get out of shape, it becomes really difficult to move. The less you move, the more weight you gain. Passivity disables you further and further until you are not able to be active even if you want to.

 
How can we resist the temptation to slide into passivity? How can we remain alert enough to co-operate with God?

God Waves Back

Every day, as I run around my neighborhood, I wave as I pass by my friend’s house. I’m never sure if she will be at one of her windows, looking out at the precise time that I happen to be running by. Yet, I wave on the off chance that she is. I can never see into her house so I don’t know if she is waving back. Some days I’m so tired that I wave out of habit, without even turning my head in the direction of her house. 

Sometimes prayer feels like I’m waving at God. I’m not sure if He is paying attention. Yet I pray out of habit in the off chance He’s listening. I can’t tell if He is waving back. I mentioned this to a good friend and here was her answer:

Don't take God for granted...you said you look for God to "wave back" at you. Did your teenage son arrive home safely yesterday from school? Did your husband get home also? Do you have a house that you are able to keep the utilities on, in? Are you able to sit in your jammies past 6:30 in the morning if your heart desires? Look out your window to the east...is the sun rising? HE is holding us all in His hand. It is not God who is distant; it is our short-sightedness. He's waving at every one of us, my faith guarantees it. (SW)

“Those who fear (revere) God gets God’s attention; they can depend on his strength.” (Ps. 147:11 MSG)

When we put our confidence in human knowledge or strength…when we depend on anything other than God, we are being disrespectful to HIM. So today let us count on God and nothing but God.

Is God Dependable?

I rarely doubt the existence or ability of God. I occasionally wonder if He is dependable. The word dependable has two parts: Depend + Able. I’ve already said I’m sure that He is more than able, so that part is taken care of. However, depending on God is up to me; that is my part. God cannot show me how dependable He is until I’m willing to admit I’m helpless and give up my independence.

“Our Lord is great, with limitless strength; we’ll never comprehend what he knows and does. God puts the fallen on their feet again.” (Ps. 147:5-6 MSG)

God’s strength is limitless, and He always pulls us up when we fall. It’s impossible to understand God’s timing. Sometimes He makes us wait for what seems like ever; or are we making HIM wait for us?

I’m sure most of you have heard of the Life-Alert pendants. They are medical emergency devices that are attached to a necklace for elderly folks. If an elderly person falls and can’t get up to reach the phone, they can press this pendant, and it activates an automatic dialer that calls for help. I’ve noticed that many elderly people who might benefit from this service are reluctant to use it. They explain that they are not quite that old or disabled yet. Even though the pendant can be worn discreetly and no one else would know they have it on, many elderly folks are not willing to admit, even to themselves, that they are that helpless. Most people would rather die than be completely dependent on someone else.

I wonder how often God waits for us to admit our dependence on Him. When we fall and can’t get up, He is standing right there extending His arms to pull us up. Yet we keep rolling around in the dirt, trying to get up by ourselves. We keep insisting that we are not that decrepit. We ask for help, but we want it on our terms. We are not willing to give up our independence, our dignity, our illusion of self-sufficiency.

Visible Boundaries

When we got our dog, we thought about getting an invisible electric fence. They are much cheaper to install and more aesthetically pleasing than a real physical barrier. The dog would wear an electric collar, and when she crossed the boundary, she would get shocked. Eventually a dog learns not to cross beyond certain parts of the yard. Many of our neighbors who own dogs have electric fences or no fences at all. We were tempted to just follow their example, but the person who gave us our puppy told us something wise: You might be able to train your dog to stay in your yard with an electric fence, but you can’t keep other dogs from coming into your yard and bothering your dog. So we installed a 6-foot fence before we even brought the puppy home.

Visible boundaries are much easier to enforce than invisible ones. It’s important to let others know where we stand on certain principles, priorities, and trigger issues. Verbalizing these parameters early on in a relationship might be costly, and it makes us appear unapproachable, inflexible, and selfish. However, it helps reduce hurt feelings later on in the relationship. For example, most of my friends know my sensitive spots, because I let people know what I can tolerate and how far I’m willing to bend my principles to accommodate someone else’s wishes. Unfortunately, the subsequent strain has dissolved many relationships and has gained me a reputation as a stubborn person among my extended family.
 

I know several people who absolutely hate the concept of boundaries. They feel it is unloving and unchristian. If my neighbor never told me that it bothered her that my dog poops in her yard, is that really love? Her hesitancy to tell me the truth would eventually strain our relationship. Not to mention, the whole neighborhood would be a mess! It’s important to reflect on what bothers you and let others know where the lines are. Don’t expect people to read your mind or intuitively know your preferences. At the same time, accept that we have very little control over things that are beyond our boundaries. We might live close to others who make choices that are disturbing our peace. We have to be open about our feelings, but we don’t have jurisdiction over their lives.
 

(Disclaimer: I’ve read Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend and some of these ideas may have been influenced by this book)

Maintaining Boundaries

In our neighborhood, most of the homes are on one acre plots. Most of the neighbors don’t have fences around their property, because it is too costly. There are fence posts at the back corners that demarcate the end of property lines. Most of us are careful about respecting each other’s boundaries even though they are invisible. The neighborhood dogs occasionally trespass across other yards and make messes, but they are animals and don’t know any better.

It is important to have healthy boundaries in our physical and spiritual lives. For example, we have to set limits for ourselves on how much we eat, how much we spend, the people we hang out with, the environment we stay in, and how we use our time, talent, and energy. The animal side of us may chafe at these limitations, but our spiritual side knows better. We also have to set boundaries for others on how far they can impose their will on us. However, it is inevitable that some people will trespass against our boundaries. We must forgive them, but we must still let them know where our personal boundaries are.

Creating boundary lines is, in itself, difficult. Yet maintaining and enforcing them are even harder. Confronting a loved one who has crossed into unhealthy territory is very uncomfortable. It’s almost easier to just ignore it and accept it. We shrug our shoulders and say to ourselves, “They just don’t know better; I’ll just have to learn to live with it.” It takes so much energy to enforce limits. Plus, it makes us feel selfish and causes us to question our love.

When we fail to enforce boundaries, it creates confusion and disorder in our world. Mayhem and turmoil are a breeding ground for evil. Nothing good ever comes of it. Thus, enforcing boundaries is an essential technique in the fight between good and evil.  

Conflict of Interest

I wonder if one can be half-committed to something. Most of us like to keep our options open. We are rarely fully engaged in any endeavor. What we call over-commitment, is usually just half-hearted pursuits of too many interests.

“Commitment means making a choice to give up other choices. You cannot make a commitment without deciding to cut off other options that compete against what is most important.” (Scott Stanley)

This means you couldn’t be committed to too many things at once, especially if they compete for your attention. I can be fully committed to my family or my job, but maybe not both at the same time. If I’m fully committed to God, is it possible to commit to anything else? That depends on if there are any conflicts of interest.

I record many shows on my DVR. Occasionally I try to record too many TV shows at once and I get the following message: “There are multiple conflicts with this timer.” Then I’m given the option of selecting, “Automatically resolve by priority” or “Change the priority of this timer.” I wish it were that easy to resolve conflicting interests that I face in the rest of my life.

Jesus healed on the Sabbath even though it was against the Jewish law. Why? He was more committed to God’s purpose than anything else. He automatically resolved the conflict by prioritizing what was most important. He was willing to suffer the ramifications of his choice. Similarly, we might have to choose between doing what is good in God’s eyes versus doing what society approves of. Our commitment to God will and should cut-off other competing options.