Visible Boundaries

When we got our dog, we thought about getting an invisible electric fence. They are much cheaper to install and more aesthetically pleasing than a real physical barrier. The dog would wear an electric collar, and when she crossed the boundary, she would get shocked. Eventually a dog learns not to cross beyond certain parts of the yard. Many of our neighbors who own dogs have electric fences or no fences at all. We were tempted to just follow their example, but the person who gave us our puppy told us something wise: You might be able to train your dog to stay in your yard with an electric fence, but you can’t keep other dogs from coming into your yard and bothering your dog. So we installed a 6-foot fence before we even brought the puppy home.

Visible boundaries are much easier to enforce than invisible ones. It’s important to let others know where we stand on certain principles, priorities, and trigger issues. Verbalizing these parameters early on in a relationship might be costly, and it makes us appear unapproachable, inflexible, and selfish. However, it helps reduce hurt feelings later on in the relationship. For example, most of my friends know my sensitive spots, because I let people know what I can tolerate and how far I’m willing to bend my principles to accommodate someone else’s wishes. Unfortunately, the subsequent strain has dissolved many relationships and has gained me a reputation as a stubborn person among my extended family.
 

I know several people who absolutely hate the concept of boundaries. They feel it is unloving and unchristian. If my neighbor never told me that it bothered her that my dog poops in her yard, is that really love? Her hesitancy to tell me the truth would eventually strain our relationship. Not to mention, the whole neighborhood would be a mess! It’s important to reflect on what bothers you and let others know where the lines are. Don’t expect people to read your mind or intuitively know your preferences. At the same time, accept that we have very little control over things that are beyond our boundaries. We might live close to others who make choices that are disturbing our peace. We have to be open about our feelings, but we don’t have jurisdiction over their lives.
 

(Disclaimer: I’ve read Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend and some of these ideas may have been influenced by this book)