The Power of Words

“A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it…” (James 3:3-6 MSG)

Words can be like bricks. You can use it to build someone up, or you can throw it at them and hurt them. Words or any form of expression—writing, music, speech, art, even our body language—can have a significant impact on those around us. This power can be used for good or evil.

We have some friends who are gun collectors. They have a large arsenal of guns and ammunition stored in their home. They use it mostly for hunting, but also for protection. These friends are responsible gun owners. They keep everything locked up and have taken the necessary training to use the guns properly.

I’ve never even held a gun. Even if I got a gun, I wouldn’t know how to use it properly. I would most likely shoot myself in the foot. Even though I don’t have any guns or ammunition, I do have a huge arsenal of words at my disposal. Often, I forget to be responsible and discriminating in my use of words—dispensing them without considering how they will affect others.

I need to learn how to use words judiciously, considerately, and productively--to aim carefully, understanding the power and responsibility behind every form of expression.

Too Close

A friend and I were talking the other day about prayer. She was wondering why her prayers for other people’s children seem more effective than her prayers for her own children. I’ve wondered this myself.

I recently noticed that my teenage son has a few shirts that he has worn for more than three years—which makes me think he hasn’t grown much in the last few years. Yet, people who see him infrequently almost always comment on his growth. I guess I forget about all the shirts and jeans he has outgrown in the past few years, and instead focus on the few shirts that still fit. Maybe those shirts were big on him a few years ago and now just fit properly? Maybe, because I see him daily, I’m too close to the situation to notice the changes that are happening.

I have a list of people I pray for regularly. I am very close to some of these people—I interact and invest in their lives on a daily basis. Others are people who are placed on my prayer list temporarily, because they are going through a time of need. I might only hear from them once every few months. When their prayers are answered, I hear about it, and then I can stop being concerned about that issue…whereas my close family members and friends are always on my prayer list; as soon as one issue is taken care of, I’m praying for the next thing for them.

When I’m really close to someone, I’m less likely to notice all the changes in them. God has been working in their lives, yet sometimes I fail to recognize the growth. If I take a step back and really think about it, God is taking care of my loved ones.

The Carnie Lifestyle

Carnies (also known as ‘showies’ in Australia) work for traveling carnivals. They operate the rides and gaming booths, sell food, or put on shows for the carnival customers. Carnies are known for their colorful, nomadic lifestyle.

I often meet people who have regular jobs and homes, but still remind me of carnies. They spend most of their lives wandering aimlessly, amusing themselves and others. Well, I guess they are not completely aimless—their aim is to amuse themselves. Their colorful personalities make them entertaining and fun to be around. It’s tempting to let loose and not think too much when you are around these amusing people—or else, you will end up feeling like an uptight person who doesn’t know how to have fun. Some ‘carnie-types’ can be quite intelligent, shrewd, and convincing. These characteristics, along with their inherent instability, can make them dangerously influential.

I’m always wary around people who have made entertainment and amusement their main goals in life. I’m afraid that they will influence me to pursue this lifestyle, convince me that there is no higher purpose than to enjoy life.

“Live right, speak the truth, despise exploitation, refuse bribes, reject violence, avoid evil amusements. This is how you raise your standard of living! A safe and stable way to live. A nourishing, satisfying way to live.” (Isaiah 33:15-16 MSG)

Changing vs. Rearranging

Home staging—the practice of making a house presentable and appealing to potential buyers—has become a common trend recently. Real estate agents often bring in staging furniture and accessories to homes that they are selling. The homeowners are asked to move most of their own furniture into storage while the home is being presented for sale. Children’s toys, personal articles, all are removed. Neutral accessories, paintings etc. are brought in by the stagers. Once the house is sold, all the staging furniture and accessories are taken to the next home for sale.

Similarly, many of us ‘stage’ our lives—making them presentable and appealing to others. We put away the parts that we deem unfit. We highlight our acceptable traits and hide our inadequacies. Yet, when no one is around, we go back to our old habits.

“Only people of the Spirit actually change things, the rest of us just rearrange them.” (Napoleon)

Real change is very difficult. It requires the demolition of our current beliefs and identity. Most of us would rather do minor cosmetic rearranging rather than face total disruption of everything we hold dear.

I am always trying to eradicate bad habits and cultivate good ones in their stead. I rarely succeed. However, I keep striving towards self-improvement. I sometimes even feel compelled to offer unsolicited self-improvement advice to others!

As humans we can only make superficial, temporary alterations. We can stage our lives in ways that are presentable to society. We might be able to rearrange our ideas and habits to an acceptable level. However, tranformative change happens when God’s Spirit works in us and through us. It starts from the core of our being, not from external influences.

“The Holy Spirit—will change you from the inside out.”(Mark 1:8 MSG)

“A change of heart (is) produced by God's Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people.” (Rom. 2:20 NLT)

So, let’s not waste any more effort in rearranging our lives and imagining we are transforming ourselves. Instead, let us ask the Spirit of God to change us from the inside out. 

Un-belongers

Most of us know how it feels to be misfits. At some time or another, we have felt like outcasts, on the fringe of acceptability, one of the un-belongers. Worldly acceptance is fickle. If you are part of the ‘in-crowd’, it’s just a matter of time before you are marginalized.

Some people are outcasts because they behave in a way that is socially unacceptable. Others might just not know how to fit in. It’s much easier to be accepted by the world if you know how to play the social game. Then there are those of us who have gotten tired of playing the silly games of popularity and one-upmanship. We have chosen to opt out and live differently, make unpopular choices, to be one of the un-belongers.

I like observing fringe people. If they are mean, manipulative, or harmful—I tend to give them a wide berth. However, if they have been marginalized merely because they are different, I’m immediately drawn to them. Even if I have very little else in common with them, I know how it feels to be the outcast.

When I was a teenager, even though I was always surrounded by tons of people, I felt alone. I lived in a huge city, went to a large school, socialized regularly with people from my own ethnic and socioeconomic background—yet still felt that no one understood or accepted me for who I was. This is a common phenomenon, especially among teenagers. Now that I’m older, I have gotten comfortable with my uniqueness. Yet, I meet others who are my age that are still coming to terms with not fitting in.

Reaching out to other un-belongers—especially those who are part of the ‘Resistance’ movement against this corrupted world—has become one of my passions. I can usually spot people who have been pushed to the margins of groups—especially because they refuse to give in to the world’s standards. I reassure them that there are many others like us, and we are going to be okay. Nonconformists, though rarely embraced by society, almost always make a bigger difference in this world.

“Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.” (James 1:27 MSG)

Masquerade Balls

“Anyone who sets himself up as ‘religious’ by talking a good game is self-deceived.” (James 1:26 MSG)

First of all, I don’t know anyone who sets himself up as ‘religious’ these days, although some might reluctantly admit to being ‘spiritual.’ There are many other self-descriptive adjectives that people prefer these days. Let’s look at the above verse in a more general way:

Anyone who sets himself up as _________ by talking a good game is self-deceived.

How would you like to be seen by the world? Smart, wealthy, successful, useful, honest, good, attractive, healthy, awesome, significant, disciplined, unique, upstanding, sophisticated, generous, classy, loyal, down-to earth, environmentally-conscious, patriotic, conservative, liberal, wise, mature, fun, witty…?

Most of us spend a great chunk of our life attempting to convince the world that we are acceptable and worthy. We put on personas that we deem presentable. Life becomes a masquerade ball of costumes and masks where the participants do not expect to know each other’s identity. We imagine that we are more interesting this way. We are under the illusion that we are bluffing others, but we are also deceiving ourselves.

Stephen Colbert plays a character by the same name on his show, The Colbert Report. He rarely comes out of character even when appearing on other shows or events. Most people don’t know what the real Stephen is like. He admits that he doesn’t allow his kids to watch his show, because they aren’t old enough to differentiate between who he really is and the character he plays. I wonder how he keeps it straight himself? This persona that he has created is so convincing and engaging, that even during personal interviews where he is supposed to be ‘real’, he reverts back to his TV character.

Sometimes, the world finds our façade more intriguing than our true selves. We respond to this feedback and present our masked hero version more frequently, while hiding our true identity. Eventually, we give up on who we want to be, and instead become the character the world wants us to be. 

Grace and Trust

Although I don’t handle suffering well, I have observed others who do. These amazing individuals have somehow learned how to suffer with grace and trust.

In Christian theology, grace, (charis in Greek), is commonly defined as unmerited favor. When grace takes over, one is no longer operating from a human perspective, but under divine influence. There is a nonsensical quality about those who are operating under the influence of God. (However, not everything that is nonsensical is from God!)

Trust—especially during times of suffering—is extremely difficult. It involves relying on a power other than your own.

“That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.” (2 Tim. 1:12 NIV)

“But I have no regrets. I couldn’t be more sure of my ground—the One I’ve trusted in can take care of what he’s trusted me to do right to the end.” (same verse from MSG)

While grace is God’s gift to us, trust is how we return the favor. Grace is God’s part of the equation, and trust is our part. 

Negative Emotions

Suffering can be transformative—but not always in a good way. Sometimes, suffering magnifies evil. It brings out the darker side of human nature that we usually keep repressed and well-hidden. Bitterness, anger, hopelessness, fear, self-pity, and other impurities rise up from deep within us. Like a volcano spewing lava and ash, we disseminate our misery, cursing and complaining, transforming ourselves and others by our despair.

Yet, what are we to do if these emotions are within us? Should we hold it in, pretending that we are too holy to experience such negative thoughts? Should we not vent our frustrations?

I think it is useful to express our feelings, even when they are negative. However, we must be selective and careful about how we do it.

Kilauea is an active volcano in Hawaii. Fortunately, the lava flows into the sea, causing very little damage to civilization. Similarly, we must all find ways to express our frustrations without harming others. I have several mature friends who are solid in their faith. I know that I can voice my doubts, despair, and fear without disturbing their faith. I’m deeply grateful for these women who can handle my regular purges of negativity. Without them, I would probably explode with such magnitude that it would cause major damage to everything around me. 

Environ-Mental Pollution

Our minds are regularly exposed to impure stimuli. Anything or anyone that contaminates our thinking is a mental pollutant. Our environment—our social group (family, friends, coworkers), our media choices (books, TV, Internet, movies, music, radio), our previous experiences and observations, our negative reactions, all have the ability to poison our minds. We, in turn, communicate these toxic thoughts —inadvertently disseminating these pollutants to others.

The young are especially sensitive to these pollutants, because they are more impressionable. Older adults can also become highly sensitive to certain toxins because of prior experiences. For example, people with trust issues are more susceptible to fear-inducing stimuli; others who have struggled with depression are easily influenced by despairing thoughts; those who are prone to insecurity have very little resistance to intimidation.

After repeated exposure to toxins, your mind tends to do one of the following: either it learns to tolerate the contaminant, or it develops a defensive reaction to the irritant. I have developed a strong allergic reaction to certain harmful stimuli—which trigger an immediate release of emotional antibodies against certain kinds of people and situations.

According to author Stormie Omartian, exposure to this kind of pollution can cause us “to lose our sense of true purpose and identity.”

“I ask God--to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do...” (Eph. 1:17-18 MSG)

Environ-Mental pollution—every impurity that we expose ourselves to—affects our sense of who we are and what we are meant to do—our ideas about our meaning and purpose in life. It fills our life with smog—making our vision hazy, and clouding our judgment. 

Supportive Role

“Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.” (James 1:12 MSG)

As I read this verse, the phrase, “loyally in love with God” stuck out to me.

When we face challenges, many of us imagine that God is by our side--playing the supportive role to our lead—coming to our assistance. What if, instead, we are by God's side, and every challenge is actually something God faces—and we are meant to assist Him? What if we are meant to stay by His side--loyally, lovingly, unswervingly...?

I examined the list of my current challenges. I took another look at each of them through the following set of filters:

--Who is managing this project? Am I taking the lead? Or playing a supporting role and following God’s lead?

--Can I count on God to handle this challenge?

--Am I sticking by His side, or trying to distract myself with busywork so as to avoid supporting Him?

As I put each of my current challenges through the above questions, I realized that God is the Project Manager on each of these trials, and He is dependable. However, I have to stick by Him and not run away, or hide, or attempt to avoid these difficulties.   

Lord, help me to count on You, be confident in You, to meet challenges with You. Help me to stay loyally, lovingly, by YOUR side, as You face these challenges—for every testing challenge is actually Yours to handle—I am merely playing a supportive role to Your lead. 

Video Game Levels

In video games, each progressive level is usually more challenging than the last. The obstacles are more numerous, more frequent, and more complex. The skills learned in the beginning levels enable the player to get through the subsequent levels.

I wish I could embrace life’s challenges and tests with the same gusto as gamers do when playing video games! Instead, I try to avoid new challenges, especially if the consequences of failure are serious.

Over the years, my hesitancy to stretch beyond my comfort zone has shrunk my sphere of effectiveness. Many of the skills that I had when I was younger have atrophied. As I get older, even minor obstacles seem monumental and intimidating.

Sometimes gamers will temporarily relinquish their controller to a better player. A level that might be particularly difficult for one player might be within the ability of another player.

When facing challenges that are beyond my capacity, I need to rely on the Holy Spirit’s leadership. When I’m asked to extend grace beyond my limit, I have to let the Lord take over the controls. I’m not quitting or walking away—just admitting that I need help to get through this particular level.

Having faith in someone means that you are sure that you can depend on that person, count on him, trust him to do what he claims he can do. When we have reached our limits, the borders of our sphere of influence—our faith in God should enable us to peacefully, trustingly depend on Him. Through the power of His Holy Spirit within us, we will be able to extend supernatural grace (beyond our natural human capacity) in every situation.

“You have extended our borders and we give you the glory!” (Isaiah 26:15 NLT)

Holding Loosely

The author, Philip Gulley, suggests that we hold divine revelations loosely--like a hummingbird in our hands.

“Our revelations should be cherished, but loosely held, as one might hold a fragile bird, taking care that in our desire to protect it, we do not squeeze the life and power from it. Ironically, it has been my experience that the more loosely we hold such things, the more open we become to the Divine Presence meeting us and others, and the more likely we are to experience these sacred visitations.” (The Evolution of Faith by Philip Gulley)

I have a tendency to be intense about everything I care about. This intensity allows me to be disciplined and organized. This trait can be useful in getting things accomplished but can also backfire in certain circumstances.

Before I had my own child, I was afraid of holding newborn babies. What if I held them too tightly and squeezed the air out of them? Or, if I held them too loosely and dropped them? I always sat down when I held a newborn just to be on the safe side.

My passion can sometimes cause me to smother people and grip them too tightly. I leave very little room for them to breathe and grow. I don’t leave space for God to work in their lives.

I also tend to hold on to my beliefs and insights too tightly. When you are making bread dough, if you knead it too much, it becomes stiff. If you knead it too little, it remains lumpy and won’t rise. Similarly, when I overwork a divine insight, it loses its elasticity. On the other hand, if I’m inattentive to the task, it falls flat.

I think it might be helpful if I could dial down my intensity level just a bit. I want to learn how to hold things loosely, to observe and learn from every situation without choking the Spirit out of it. 

Under His Wing

My husband has an endearing habit. When we are walking together, down any street, he always places himself between me and the traffic. It’s a protective gesture. I know my husband did not learn this habit from any of his other male family members—so he isn’t mimicking something that he saw growing up. His actions stem from a true desire to tuck me under his wing. I run by myself in the neighborhood all the time without having another human to guard me from traffic. But when my husband is with me, I submit to his desire to take care of me. Even though it may seem silly and reinforce old stereotypes of the dependent, fragile, defenseless wife—I still appreciate this symbolic gesture. However, there is a part of me that is still resistant to the idea that I might need protection…that I have to be dependent on anyone—including God.

“He (The Lord) will overshadow thee with his shoulders: and under his wings thou shalt trust.” (Ps 91:4 Douay-Rheims Bible)

Most of us don’t want to be overshadowed or be under anyone’s wing. Trusting someone else makes us vulnerable. Dependency involves giving up control.

I am slowly learning that it’s okay to be overshadowed by God—to submit to His protection, to be sheltered, to not know what’s coming, to simply trust that He knows what He’s doing, and where He is taking me.  

Not Cool

I have noticed that when older people like something, teenagers immediately think it’s not cool anymore. I overhear things like:

“Remember when Facebook used to be cool, before all these old folks got on it?”

“Remember when the word ‘cool’ was cool? But now we have to come up with a new word every week, because our parents start repeating whatever we come up with?!”

Basically, the approval of older people usually leads to the disapproval of younger people.

I thought of this when I read the following verse:

“If you lived on the world’s terms, the world would approve of you as one of its own. But since I picked you to live on God’s terms and no longer on the world’s terms, the world is going to disapprove of you.” (John 15:18-19 MSG words in italics have been changed by me)

There is no way to have both—live on the world’s terms and live on God’s terms—to gain the world’s approval as well as God’s.

We are going to have to make a choice and live with the consequences.

“Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.”

(Lyrics from ‘Voice of Truth’ by Casting Crowns)

Working for My Father

“What do you do?”

This question comes up within the first five minutes of meeting a new person. It also comes up when I run into acquaintances who know I have finished my last gig as a homeschooling parent. I’m not sure how to answer this question anymore. This question is loaded with many parts: How are you contributing to this world? Are you dependent on others to support you? Are you lazy? Are you useful? Are you interesting? Are you worthy? How do you fit into this world? Are you higher or lower in the world’s hierarchy than I am?

John the Baptist faced a similar question:

^“When Jews from Jerusalem sent a group of priests and officials to ask John who he was, he was completely honest. He didn’t evade the question. He told the plain truth: “I am not the Messiah.”

They pressed him, “Who, then? Elijah?”

“I am not.”

“The Prophet?”

“No.”

 Exasperated, they said, “Who, then? We need an answer for those who sent us. Tell us something—anything!—about yourself.”

 “I’m thunder in the desert: ‘Make the road straight for God!’ I’m doing what the prophet Isaiah preached.” (John 1:19-23 MSG)

I’m sure that went over well! If someone said that now, it would be a sure sign craziness. When I see someone on a sidewalk preaching or shouting Bible verses—I get as far away from them as possible.

I’ve also noticed how scientists, physicians, musicians, and athletes are viewed as less credible when they start speaking or writing about spirituality.

I don't think there is any way to speak or write about God and Spiritual things without appearing a bit kooky.

In some ways, our credibility is diminished when we speak of things that are beyond rational thought or conventional beliefs. I am aware that this happens every time I write one of these blog posts.

When someone asks me, “What do you do?”—I wish I had the courage to answer: “I work for my Father, helping out with His business.”

But then I would have to explain, and that would definitely make me appear kooky. 

House Arrest

In many countries, political dissidents are placed under house arrest as an alternative form of imprisonment. This allows the authorities to limit their interaction with the public, and thus, squash opposition.

Some of us voluntarily place ourselves under house arrest. Moms with young children and homebound elderly are prime examples. This self-imposed bondage can be detrimental to one’s mental well-being.

Technology has enabled us to socialize without leaving our homes. We can easily talk on the phone, email, skype, text, etc. Yet, even these avenues of communication are often left unused. We hesitate to reach out to others for fear of appearing needy. Solitary confinement is not God’s plan for anyone. This bondage is not of God. Untie these shackles that bind you and step out! Your home is meant to be a sanctuary, not a prison.

On the other hand, if you happen to be standing on firm ground, and you see someone sinking into the quicksand of depression and isolation—hang on to something firm and solid with one arm, and use your other arm to reach out and pull that person up.

“Reach out for the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs.” (1 Thess. 5:12-14 MSG)

“So, friends, take a firm stand, feet on the ground and head high. Keep a tight grip on what you were taught, whether in personal conversation or by our letter. May Jesus himself and God our Father, who reached out in love and surprised you with gifts of unending help and confidence, put a fresh heart in you, invigorate your work, enliven your speech.” (2 Thessalonians 2:14-16 MSG)

Premature Exits

Have you ever driven down a road for a while and wondered if you were going in the right direction? This happens to me frequently on rural roads. These roads have very few road signs, landmarks, or even billboards—so it is difficult to know if you are still going the right way. Recently, I was driving down one of these rural highways and hadn’t seen an exit sign for a long time. Then, the first exit sign I saw seemed vaguely familiar, so I got off the highway—only to realize I had exited prematurely onto another highway that would take me in a different direction. It took me some extra time to turn around and get back on the right path.

I have been feeling lost lately—like I’m driving around in circles. This Christmas, I asked God for a gift—to confirm if I was still going in the right direction. The day after Christmas, I read the following verse:

“Thomas said, “Master, we have no idea where you’re going. How do you expect us to know the road?” Jesus said, “I am the Road, also the Truth, also the Life.”(John 14:6 MSG)

My immediate reaction was: Lord, I asked for clear directions—this doesn’t help much!

As I meditated on this verse throughout that day, I gleaned a bit more from it: Jesus is the direction, the true meaning and purpose of our life. Our fulfillment and significance can only come through Him. Our soul keeps seeking till it finds its place in God.

Still not clear.

“When the Friend I plan to send you from the Father comes—the Spirit of Truth issuing from the Father—he will confirm everything about me. You, too, from your side must give your confirming evidence, since you are in this with me from the start.” (John 15:26-27 MSG)

“But by shifting our focus from what we do to what God does, don’t we cancel out all our careful keeping of the rules and ways God commanded? Not at all. What happens, in fact, is that by putting that entire way of life in its proper place, we confirm it. (Romans 3:31 MSG)

I asked God to point out my way, and He responds: No, point to My way! My way is your way!

I asked for confirmation on what I should do. However, God wants me to confirm what HE does.

Crutches from God

Once upon a time, for Christmas, God gave me crutches. My legs weren’t broken…yet. So, I didn’t really appreciate the significance of this gift. But God knew what was coming, and He knew I wouldn’t have time to find the right crutches during my brokenness.

These crutches appeared in the form of two friends. They supported me through a period of affliction. When I couldn’t bear my own weight, they held me up and kept me from falling. As soon as I could walk on my own, they moved away to be God-appointed crutches to other broken people.

Sometimes God appoints us to show up in a person’s life for a limited period of time—just before a crisis. The God-of-Angel-Armies deputizes us as temporary angels to carry out His purpose. We become channels of His Grace. Our role is to pray, support, and bolster those who are broken, while God heals them.

“He ordered his angels
    to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they’ll catch you;
    their job is to keep you from falling.
You’ll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
    and kick young lions and serpents from the path.” (Ps. 91:11-13 MSG)

It Takes Three

In yesterday’s post I described empty shell marriages as relationships that are devoid of life and growth—where couples reside under one roof, yet have separate lives.

According to the English diplomat and writer, Samuel Herbert, “It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure.”

I think it takes three to keep a marriage alive.

In order to explain this I have to switch metaphors—from empty shells to a nice, warm campfire.

Keeping a campfire going requires a lot of work. First of all, you have to get the fire started—which requires a bit of skill. Then you have to chop wood, keep it dry, and attend to the fire to maintain the fire. However, all this effort is meaningless without oxygen. Since oxygen is invisible, we often don’t think about how essential it is to keeping things alive.

God breathes His Spirit into us, giving us life. This Spirit sustains us, revives us, keeps us burning brightly. Without it we are dead inside—although our shells might still look viable. The Spirit is like divine oxygen—invisible, intangible, yet essential to life and growth.

Lord, I pray that you will breathe into our marriages, our families, our lives—blowing your Spirit into us so that our flames continue to burn brightly—sustaining us, keeping us fully alive. 

Empty Shell Marriages

Sociology textbooks define Empty Shell Marriages as: A marriage in name only, where a couple continues to live under the same roof but as separate individuals. It may occur where divorce is difficult for legal, religious or financial reasons, or where a couple decides to stay together for the sake of the children. http://quizlet.com/23232113/aqa-as-sociology-key-conceptsdefinitions-families-and-households-flash-cards/

Empty shell marriages have no life inside them—only the outside shell remains. Shells can appear pretty—even when they are empty. Sadly, too many marriages end up in this state after a few years.

One of the first signs of an empty shell marriage is a loss of respect for each other. Some spouses are careful not to verbalize this disrespect. Yet, we all know intuitively whether someone respects us or not.

Communication is the next thing to seep out of the shell. Most often, these couples choose not to share their emotions or their daily struggles with each other. And when they do communicate, it is usually combative or manipulative.

Apathy sets in. Each spouse turns to his/her own separate interests, hobbies, careers, and friends. Personal advancement takes precedence over the spiritual and emotional well-being of the other spouse.

In his book, The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck defines love as: “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” I found this concept interesting: Love as an investment of myself in order to promote the spiritual health of others.

When we think of a loveless marriage, we expect it to be devoid of passion, intimacy, and mutual interests. We expect the couple to have separate lives, while still residing under the same roof. However, we fail to recognize the early warning signs. We don’t notice the slow seepage of respect, empathy, and transparency. We fail to predict the long term consequences of spiritual stagnation.

Unfortunately, most of us expect that all marriages will deteriorate into lifeless, loveless, empty shells over time. However, I have witnessed marriages that are still thriving even into their third and fourth decades. What’s their secret? (Further thoughts on this subject in the next post)

Pleasing

What is your primary motivation in life?

Is it:

A)  Pleasing Yourself?

B)   Pleasing Others?

C)   Pleasing God?

Those who live to please themselves are mainly concerned about how things affect them. Whether it is the welfare of their loved ones or the environment around them—the focus is on: “How does this make me fee?”

Those who live to please others are mainly worried about how they appear to others. “Will others think I’m a bad mom? An adequate wife? A successful, bright, beautiful person? Am I worthy in the eyes of others?”

If your main concern in life is to please God—then your focus shifts to: “Are my thoughts and actions aligned with God’s plan?”

Every morning, my husband and I go over our plans for the day. Some of our plans involve each other and others don’t. Yet, we talk about it so that we can work around each other’s schedule. We stay connected throughout the day through phone calls, texts, etc. Most days unexpected things come up, and plans have to be changed. We stay available and yielding to each other.

I would like to stay available to God. I would like to stay connected to HIM all through the day. I would like to work around God’s plans.

Lord, I want to please you. I want this to be my primary motivation. I’m not there yet. My motives are divided, diluted. Adonai, absorb me into you. Fill me with your Spirit—so that I may be completely dedicated to you. If my only concern is to please you, what would today look like? I would be tuned into you asking: Lord, what is our next move? Do you have any plans that involve me?

Redistricting

(Written for Joshua Study)

Every ten years, the U.S. has a census. Based on the changes in population, each state can redraw the boundaries of its electoral districts. Unfortunately, partisan politics result in the boundaries being drawn to favor the incumbent party who is in power at that time.

We are going through a similar ‘redistricting’ in our family right now. My husband and I have an adult child and our boundaries have to be redrawn. Since our son is still financially dependent on us, we still hold some power. Yet, we are trying to establish boundaries that are equitable to all.

A similar redistricting has to happen at each transitional phase. When a couple gets married, new boundaries have to be drawn between the family of origin and the new bride and groom.

“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” (Mark 10:7 NLT)

Almost all transitional periods involve redistricting. When someone moves in or moves out from your home, extended visitors, financial constrictions, illnesses, aging, retirement, starting school, starting a new job, moving to a new place—all involve redrawing your boundaries. Some old habits and attachments have to be excluded and other new relationships and attributes have to be incorporated.

What if we move into a new home and couldn’t get rid of the prior inhabitants? What if we are in a new phase of life but can’t disentangle ourselves from previous commitments?

This makes things unnecessarily complicated. 

New Year's Resolution

Let’s say you have a weakness, a flaw, a bad habit—and you’ve been trying for years to get rid of it—every year you make a New Year’s resolution to excise it from your life—but it still remains. Well, maybe it’s time to try a different approach. Try taming it, domesticating it, clearing it, and cultivating it.

If you can’t get rid of it, make it work for you!

The Bible has many stories of God turning an individual’s weakness into strength. David was a little guy when he fought Goliath, the giant Philistine—but his youth made him agile. Ruth was a penniless immigrant—the fact that she had nothing to lose made her bold.

The Apostle Paul describes his struggle with a particular weakness:
“So I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” (2 Cor. 7-10 MSG)

Lord, through your Word and Spirit, mold my weaknesses into strengths—so that I may fulfill your purpose.