Protect Your Core

(Armor of God series)

“Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness.” (Ephesians 6:14 NLT)

When I read the above verse, I thought of a weight belt--the kind that serious weight lifters use to protect their lower back and core muscles. I’ve never worn one. I don’t lift heavy weights, so I figured I don’t need one. I’ve never worn any sort of body armor either. That’s for soldiers in battlefields or for law enforcement professionals, right? So, I didn’t think I needed to protect my core, since I wasn’t at much risk of getting hurt. Yet, the aches and pains all over my body have proved me wrong. These days, I’ve learned to brace my midsection, to engage my core, and to stay in proper form while doing any activity.  

We are all vulnerable; some of us are just not aware of it. Once we are aware of the dangers around us, we become more vigilant--guarding our core against falsities and wrong moves. We can protect our core by aligning ourselves to goodness, doing what is right, staying true to our purpose, recognizing distortions of truth, and rejecting deceptive directions.

Protect Your Head

(Armor of God series)

Entropy--a state of social decline and degeneration--seems to be the natural setting for all societies.The default human condition is flawed. We slide into darkness and corruption all too easily.

Most battles start in our minds. Errant thoughts lead to wayward behavior.  How can our minds be protected from coercion, oppression, and manipulation by evil?

“Put on salvation as your helmet.” (Ephesians 6:17 NLT)

Salvation is defined as deliverance (rescue) from the powers of evil by God’s intervention.

Let your mind be under the influence of God--released from limitations, free from mental torment. Focus on trusting God. Focus on His capability and dependability. Focus on carrying out His instructions. Then your mind will be insulated from evil, because it will be saturated with good.

“God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all.” (1 John 1:5 NLT)

Armor of God

(1st in series)

My son has a black belt in a form of martial arts known as Tae-kwon-do. He  recently remarked how useless his self-defense training would be if he were actually attacked by someone with a gun.

“You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued...” (Ephesians 6:13-18 MSG)

Most of the opposition we face in this world has a dark, spiritual element behind it. The real enemy is behind the scenes--subversive, unseen, evil, powerful--beyond our capacity to fight on our own. Yet, we attempt to fight this evil with human forms of self-defense--logic, compromise, willpower, discipline, force, and exertion.  We fail to recognize the uselessness of our weapons against the forces of darkness.

God has provided us with spiritual weapons and training to fight evil. We have the armor of God’s influence, His instructions, truth, goodness, peace, and trust.  Yet, it is up to us whether we use these spiritual weapons or continue to use human techniques to fight spiritual battles.

Pacesetters

“Let us run with endurance the race (course) that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.” (Hebrews 12:1-2 NLT)

Marathons have front-runners who are favored to win and pacesetters who are meant to motivate other runners.  In a long-distance running race, pacesetters are the runners that others count on to maintain steady speeds. For example, even if you are not one of the elite athletes at the front of the pack, you can usually find a pacesetter that is running close to your natural speed and just follow them. This encourages you to run at a consistent pace and keep up even when your energy is flagging.

“So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong.” (Hebrews 12:12-13 NLT)

Jesus is the front-runner. We are all following Him. However, each of us also plays the role of a pacesetter for those running behind.  

Lord, you are running ahead of us. Help us to keep our eyes on you and imitate your technique. Keep us motivated. In turn, help us to be good role models of endurance for those who are running behind us but may not be able to see you because they are too distant from you.

Prayer Teachers

I have been fortunate to have several mentor-teacher-friends in my life. These wonderful women have shared lessons that have molded my thoughts, my writing, my choices, and my actions.

Two of my good friends have greatly influenced how I pray. I would like to share some of the lessons that they have taught me over the years:

--Start every day with the Bible. Be open to God’s leading. Read until you feel a tug in your heart. Write down whatever insights you receive.

--Pray using scripture verses. It’s okay to change the order of the words and make it personal. Write out scripture verses and insert the names of whomever you are praying for.

--Pray daily, hourly, and every time you feel the tiniest bit of a nudge. If a name or a thought passes through your head, pause and pray for that person.

--Nurture praying relationships. These two friends have taught me to pray about everything—but specifically they have stressed the importance of praying for our children. We have invested our time through prayer in each other’s lives. I don’t take this commitment for granted. I am deeply convicted about the importance of having praying friends and being a praying friend. I do not send out prayer requests to a long prayer chain of acquaintances who barely know the details of my life. Instead, I have two or three intimate praying relationships. These friends of mine are so involved in my daily life that I can ask them for prayer, and they know exactly what I need without much explanation. We continually update each other on the joys, sorrows, victories, and disappointments of our lives. We are committed to supporting and encouraging each other, reminding each other of how God has taken care of us in the past, sharing wisdom, and holding each other accountable.

--Share information. If you discover a book, a website, a song, a quiet spot, a good habit,—anything that helps you grow closer to God—share this resource with others.

--Be consistent, reliable, and available to pray. When someone asks for prayer, stop whatever you are doing and pray right that moment. When you ask someone for prayer, keep them updated on how God is working in your life.

--Expect God. Count on God. God is already in the process of taking care of whatever you are praying for. Go ahead and give thanks in advance.

--Prayer is not meant to remind God of what you need. He already knows. Prayer helps us remember that God is capable and dependable.  

Trouble Zone

When my loved ones are in trouble, I rush to their side. I commiserate, comfort, and empathize. I’m focused on their suffering. I tend to get agitated when I can’t alleviate their suffering. This does not help the situation.

In 1 Thessalonians 3, Paul sends Timothy to some friends in trouble:"We sent him to strengthen you, to encourage you in your faith, and to keep you from being shaken by the troubles you were going through. But you know that we are destined for such troubles…I sent Timothy to find out whether your faith was still strong. I was afraid that the tempter had gotten the best of you…" (1 Thess. 3:2-5 NLT)

Trouble is inevitable. As God’s helpers, we are sent out to trouble zones frequently. Our mission is to strengthen, encourage, and stabilize TRUST in God. Instead we focus on the suffering. What caused it? Why did this happen? What can we do to help the trouble disappear? We explain how we have felt in similar situations. We share our experiences, we empathize, we comfort, and we try to make the pain go away. It seems insensitive to remind someone who is in pain to TRUST God. Yet, that is exactly what we are called to do in troubled times—to stabilize Faith, to keep the tempter from using the chaos to whip us into further agitation.

When I am called in to assist in Trouble Zones, here is what I would like to do: First, go in and listen—allow those in trouble to share their pain. Second, comfort—do whatever I can to give them immediate care—a hug, food, a touch, or just consistent support. Third, share my experience, so that they don’t feel alone. As I share my experience of suffering, I need to emphasize how God was trustworthy, reliable, dependable—how God got me through the trouble zone. This is the most important, the most useful thing I can do in any crisis situation—to strengthen and encourage someone in faith.

Distress

Back in the 80’s, arcades still had a few pinball machines. I remember watching skilled players who could keep those little steel balls in play—manipulating the flippers artfully—racking up points the longer they kept that ball bouncing around. Often the players would tilt and nudge the whole machine to keep their balls from falling into the drain.

Sometimes, I wonder if the devil is playing pinball with my soul!

"You let distress bring you to God, not drive you from him. The result was all gain, no loss." (2 Corinthians 7:8-9 MSG)

Distress distracts me. It doesn’t bring me directly to God. I just bounce around like a pinball, careening wildly, randomly hitting all sorts of obstacles. I feel like I am being played, manipulated—providing hours of entertainment for the devil. Eventually, each distressing situation brings me to God, but I feel battered and bruised the longer I am bounced around. I feel as powerless as the pinball—I can’t seem to determine my own trajectory.

Now, I am not a pinball wizard. So I read up on the mechanics of this game. There are ways to adjust the playing field. A flat surface makes the game too easy. So, increasing the tilt decreases a player’s advantage.

When the plunger of distress strikes me—I spend way too much time wandering agitatedly. The more neutral and worldly I am, the more distracted I become. If I could tilt my life acutely towards God, then I could avoid some of this battering. I could roll quickly into the place of peace, instead of being bounced around like a pinball. Every instance of distress would project me quickly to God, instead of driving me away from Him.

What Doesn't Work

"We all must fail from time to time—we have to figure out what doesn’t work so we can find out what does." (Joshua Fields Millburn, Everything That Remains)

What doesn’t work—I could write a whole series about this subject. I have made many mistakes and have learned a great deal about What NOT To Do in marriage, friendship, parenting, fitness, finances, housework, homeschooling…

However, the lessons I learn from my failures are specific for me. What works for someone else might not work for me. What doesn’t work for me, might work fine for someone else.

Failure can be useful as long as each of us learns what doesn’t work for our temperament or situation. This is what maturity and experience are all about. Some people learn quickly from mistakes. Others have to repeat different versions of the same mistake, for years, before they finally notice that there is a pattern.

I frequently experience backaches. Sometimes it happens shortly after I try a new exercise or lift something with one hand. I would attempt to do one-handed pushups. Within a few hours, I would have a backache. So I would determine not to do that move again. It might be a few months before I try some other slightly different move, and hurt my back again. It took me years to figure out that most asymmetrical movements that involved my back muscles ended up giving me a backache. I couldn’t figure out why other people could do these moves without any problems, but I couldn’t. When lifting anything, I would have to distribute the weight evenly, or else it resulted in back pain. It took me years of pain to discover what not to do.

My problem is that I have weak back muscles caused by a slight lordosis of my back. I have to do specific back strengthening exercises. At the same time, I have to avoid certain moves that exacerbate my problem. Failure can help us figure out what doesn’t work, but there might be a long gap before we actually figure out what does work. Failure just allows us to notice that there is a problem. And we have to recognize the problem before we can discover possible ways to cope. I am still learning how to adapt and be functional, to implement workable solutions while avoiding past mistakes.

Mistakes precede maturity, pain precedes healing, and stupidity precedes wisdom.

Promises and Commitments

Lord, if you get me through this mess, I will dedicate my life to serving you.

Have you ever made some version of this promise to God?

I have. Not out loud, not in public—just in my heart.

Have I kept this promise?

Not really.

We all say things under desperation and duress that we don’t really follow through on, right?

What does it mean to dedicate one’s life to something anyway?

Dedicate: To set apart and consecrate to a sacred cause; to devote wholly and earnestly as to a purpose. (dictionary.com)

What would it look like if I set apart and consecrated my days, wholly and earnestly to serving God?

"I encourage you to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, dedicated to God and pleasing to him. This kind of worship is appropriate for you.　Don’t become like the people of this world. Instead, change the way you think. Then you will always be able to determine what God really wants—what is good, pleasing, and perfect." (Romans 12:1-2 GW)

Living a life dedicated to God is countercultural. It is not following the normal trajectory of one’s ambitions and desires. I don’t think this level of devotion can be achieved under one’s own willpower.

Lord, I pray that You will empower us with inner strength and dedication through the transformational power of Your Holy Spirit.

Pots and Pans

For most of my life, I have been trying to fill in the following blanks:

I am a ______. (mother, wife, friend, writer, thinker) My gifts and talents are ______________. (organizing, leading, analyzing)

Recently, I asked my family and close friends the following question: "How would you describe me to a person who had never met me?" The answers were varied, and not always what I wanted to hear—but it helped me to have a better understanding of how others perceive me. My ideas of who I am and what I want to contribute are often different from public perception.

"The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what He does for us, not by what we are and what we do for Him." (Romans 12:3 MSG)

I don’t have to define who I am or worry about how others perceive me. It would be more relevant to recognize how God works through me.

God speaks, encourages, writes, organizes, cares, strengthens through me.

"Let’s just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren’t." (Romans 12:4-6 MSG)

We are like pots and pans in God’s kitchen. He uses some of us like sauce pans for sautéing and others as stockpots for simmering. He made each of us for specific purposes. Just as we might use a stockpot to fry an egg if the saucepan is out of commission, God may occasionally use us for purposes outside His original design.

I must confess that I sometimes wish that God would use me in different ways. I sometimes envy the way my friends have been designed. I want to be more like them. I have good friends who are naturally giving, kind, patient, loving, humble, forgiving, serving, hospitable, generous, tolerant, graceful, gentle, soft-spoken, and compassionate. I consider these traits to be more feminine and likeable than my own traits. Yet, I am realizing that God has blessed me by placing these people in my life—to complement my weaknesses with their strengths. I am not meant to serve God alone, but with these others who were intentionally designed differently.

Tone it Down

I like to cook with the chili peppers that I grow in my vegetable garden. I try to add one pepper into most every savory dish. I’ve noticed that it is difficult to predict the spiciness of each pepper pod, even when they are from the same plant. Depending on the amount of rain and temperatures over the last week, each pepper that I pick off the plant varies in heat. I don’t taste the raw peppers before I add them to what I am cooking, so sometimes my meals turn out to be spicier than I anticipate. I think most every dish tastes better with chili peppers. However, not everyone agrees with me. Some people are of the opinion that the spiciness can overwhelm the subtle flavors of a dish.

My personality is a lot like a chili pepper—bold, spicy, and zingy. I have always been loud. My voice carries. I am expressive in the way I dress, the way I speak, write, gesticulate, or contort my facial muscles. Over the years, I have learned to tone down my personality. This has not been easy. I would rather be my natural self and operate from my default settings. Yet, I have found that holding back a bit is often beneficial for many reasons. For one thing, it enables me to be less offensive and shocking to sensitive individuals. It also allows others to express their subtle flavors, texture, and richness. Toning back a bit also allows me to listen and observe, acknowledge and empathize, to draw out the essence of others.

Sometimes my boldness can overwhelm milder personalities. Their expressions may be subtle, yet their input is valuable. Their strengths may be different, yet significant. Thus, I am learning to calibrate my spiciness, to tone myself down—so that other textures can be appreciated, so that other flavors can be experienced, so that other voices can be heard.

Beige Girl

I knew a girl who wore beige-colored clothes all the time. She was sweet, sensitive, and self-effacing. She wanted to blend in, not cause any trouble, and keep peace at any cost. She imagined that wearing colorful clothing might make too much of a statement, call attention to herself, and upset someone. Thus, she wore nondescript, beige clothes as often as she could.

I’ve known several ‘Beige Girls’ over the years. They don’t always wear beige clothes—yet they appear neutral, monochromatic, and plain; They are usually kind, humble, and amiable. Beige girls are wonderful spouses and are great to have as friends. They are supportive, giving, nurturing, and rarely demand anything in return.

Now, there is a downside to being a Beige Girl. Since they don’t like to ‘rock the boat,’ they often give in to others who have stronger personalities. Their desire to appease others makes them yield to strong-willed friends, as well as to self-serving bullies. They choose not to be seen, or heard, not to assert their needs—so they rarely get the recognition or respect they deserve. They are not devoid of color or personality. They just don’t express their true colors or acknowledge their own worth, significance, or uniqueness.

To all the dear Beige Girls in my life, I say: I’ve seen glimpses of your deep radiance. Don’t suppress your true brilliance. Share your thoughts; let your voice be heard; sing out; speak up. Shine.

Storm Clean Up

After a storm passes, homeowners are faced with the task of cleanup and recovery. Here are some tips from home improvement expert, Bob Vila: Take snapshots of damage. Extract water from house. Clean drains. Keep air circulating with fans and dehumidifiers. Disinfect to get rid of contaminants. Remove and repair wet drywall to prevent mold and mildew. Remove any tree or shrubs that are damaged—some mandatory pruning might be necessary. Inspect roof and check for leaks. Repair or replace roof if necessary. Repair any broken windows.

The above tips can be useful for figurative storms in our lives as well. Record the damage—it can be a useful learning tool. Extract anything that can continue to cause deterioration. Keep airing out any issues that might have come up. Decontaminate. Inspect protective boundaries and sheltering barriers for cracks. Repair, rebuild, replace. Some mandatory pruning of previous ideas might be necessary. Clear the debris—useless nonsense that has been left behind by the storm. Each experience changes how we look at the world. Reevaluate priorities and readjust perspectives as needed.

The storm might have been devastating, and you might not have the energy or resources to deal with the cleanup and rebuilding. Ask for help. If you are powerless, call on the ONE Who is All-Power-Full, All-Mighty, Capable, and Dependable.

Broken Templates

A template is anything that serves as a pattern, mold, or model. Templates are used as guides to accurately create new things. But, what if you have a broken template? Well, anything you create from that mold will be flawed.

If you have an incomplete or inaccurate blueprint for a building, the end product will be defective. Let’s say that some of the measurements were incorrect in the original plan for your house and now there is a large crack in your floor. You could cover it with a rug and put a sofa on top so that nobody walks over the cracked spot. You could paint the walls a bright color so that all eyes are drawn to the walls and not to the floor. Or you could admit that the problem is deep and will require some deconstruction, followed by reconstruction.

Broken templates are common in our daily lives. Whenever something doesn’t work, we try to fix the immediate problem, instead of going back and taking a closer look at the initial template. I’ll give you a personal example: I have a bad habit of eating snacks late at night. I know this is unhealthy, and I have tried to change this habit for years. In order to resist the temptation, I have attempted to go to sleep earlier, not have my favorite snacks in the house at all, and even to replace my unhealthy snacks with healthier versions. Yet, I know the problem is much deeper. There is a broken template in my relationship with food. During the day, I recognize that food is fuel for my body. But at night, I resort to food like a baby uses a pacifier—not as a source for nourishment, but to soothe, comfort, and tranquilize myself.

Sometimes it is easier to notice the broken templates in other people’s lives than in our own. When I see others doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different outcomes, I immediately recognize that they have broken templates. However, it is much more difficult to admit that in order to change my behavior, I might have to go back to the original blueprints of my thought patterns.

Appeasing the Monster

Medieval fairy tales often depicted a monster (dragon, giant, troll) that required a sacrifice at prescribed intervals. These monsters usually required daily feedings of domestic animals, children, or young maidens. Most of these stories end with a hero standing up and slaying the monster, thus breaking the cycle of bondage.

A monster can be anything that has power over us, intimidates us, or limits us. Most of us have several such monsters in our life:

-internal gremlins such as fears, insecurities, pride, addictions, codependence, and harmful habits

-individuals who are soul suckers, master manipulators, parasites, hypocrites, deceivers, and sycophants

-social evils of materialism, greed, injustice, inequality, racism, violence, oppression, bigotry, crime, war, and pollution

Feeding and maintaining these dragons take up all our time and energy. We feel trapped, like we have no choice other than to appease these monsters. Standing up against the monster and slaying him requires a monumental amount of energy, and the dragon drains us daily.

Coddling the monster seems easier than confronting it.

Postponing confrontation merely empowers the oppressor. Regular feedings enlarge the monster. We can either stand up to oppression early on or continue to sacrifice ourselves and our loved ones until we are completely overtaken and consumed by the monster.

Martyr Complex

Do you know anyone who suffers from a martyr complex?

“The martyr is one who employs self-sacrifice and victimization as a way of avoiding to take responsibility for their life. They view life as a struggle, and themselves as a bastion of righteousness in an ungrateful world. To have a normal and mature adult relationship is difficult for them. They will want to help you by listening to your problems, by offering their time and possessions, and by trying to make you dependent on them. In fact, if you don't ask them for assistance, behave strongly and confidently, and treat them as mature and self-sufficient people as well, they will sabotage such a situation and become like little children themselves." http://www.yourlifecheckup.com/article.php?artid=65

The difference between a real martyr and one who merely suffers from a martyr complex is this: A real martyr rarely calls attention to how much he/she has suffered for the sake of others. On the other hand, those who have a martyr complex usually feel underappreciated and entitled. 

Those who have a martyr complex rarely take responsibility for their own lives, but often take responsibility for other people’s issues. They see themselves as victims with very little control over their own situation, yet they frequently attempt to manage the lives of others. They often seek significance by fostering dependence. Either they find someone who is needy, or they themselves will become the needy ones. Dependency and clinginess are the bread and butter of a martyr complex.

Martyrdom, whether authentic or manufactured, can be burdensome for all parties involved. It discourages personal responsibility and cultivates a victim mentality. It enables dependency, a sense of entitlement, and immaturity. The world doesn’t need more martyrs or victims. Instead it would benefit from more individuals who take ownership for their own growth and maturity.

Isolation from God

In 1 John, chapter 2, John describes the benefits of fellowship with God. In the same section of Scripture, the Apostle also points out ways that we isolate ourselves from God.
“Don’t love the world’s ways. Don’t love the world’s goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.” (1 John 2:15-17 MSG)
Worldly ways, goods, priorities, validation, values—all isolate us from God. Seeking, wanting, chasing, craving, obsessing over the temporary pursuits of this life divert us from our real purpose of an intimate partnership with God.
So, what do we do during our time on earth? Do we not concern ourselves with the world we live in? Well, as a loyal friend, we would be concerned with the same things as our partner. Whatever God’s agenda, His interest, His Kingdom—that would be where we focus our attention as well.

Fellowship with God

The word ‘fellowship’ reminds me of donuts and coffee after church. So, I was a bit confused when I read the following verse:
“Your fellowship with God enables you to gain a victory over the Evil One.” (1 John 2:13 MSG)
I can’t imagine that hanging out and eating donuts—even if it is with God—would defeat evil!
The real meaning of fellowship is: friendship, communion, partnership, intimacy.
Our loyal partnership and intimate relationship with God enable us to gain victory over the Evil One.
A loyal partnership takes commitment, mutual understanding, a shared mission, and an alignment of priorities. An intimate relationship involves time, trust, respect, transparency, love, and grace. If we had such a close friendship with God, we would be able to defeat evil. We would be so in tune with God and would be fighting right alongside Him—evil would be no match for such fellowship.
“Remain in　fellowship　with Christ so that when he returns, you will be full of courage and not shrink back from him in shame.” (1 John 2:28 NLT)

Soul Suckers

My definition of a ‘soul sucker’ is a person who drains the spirit out of another person—mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. They may use subtle manipulation techniques such as ingratiating flattery and cajolery followed by disapproval and false aspersions on another’s character. They poke holes in people by shaming, belittling, discrediting, and blaming.
Why would anyone drain another person’s spirit? I think it’s mostly about control. A crushed spirit is easier to dominate than a strong, healthy spirit. Soul suckers use every technique possible to prey on others so they can overpower them. While observing others’ weaknesses and emotional patterns, they weave subtle webs of codependence, eventually immobilizing their victims in strands of doubt and insecurity. Even though I have learned to recognize soul suckers, I haven’t figured out how not to get entangled in their webs.
I recalled the story of Queen Jezebel, the famous soul sucker from the Bible. I decided to study 1 Kings, chapter 19 to get some hints on how the prophet Elijah overcame Jezebel’s spirit-crushing taunts.
Elijah removes himself from the presence of Jezebel. He finds solitude in the desert. He revives himself on bread and drink provided by an angel. He rests. God reveals himself to Elijah—not in the spectacular, but in a gentle, quiet whisper. Elijah follows instructions, delegates power to a new king, and finds a new friend in Elisha.
When we are being stalked by a soul sucker, we can follow Elijah’s example—walk away, find solitude, take nourishment, rest, listen for God’s gentle whispers, follow
instructions, and not subjugate ourselves to spirit-crushing authority figures; instead, we can find a supportive friend. Ultimately, in order to defend against humans who have controlling spirits, we may have to become individuals who are Holy Spirit-Controlled.

 

Fledglings

“Fledglings: A young bird that has grown enough to acquire its initial flight feathers and is preparing to leave the nest. Young birds that have left the nest but do not yet have all their adult plumage and are still fed by the parent birds are also referred to as fledglings, while birds without any flight feathers who are still completely dependent on their parents are called　nestlings. Fledglings are capable of flying but are inexperienced and may seem reluctant to fly or may show difficulty with takeoffs, landings or distance flight. As the feathers continue to grow, the birds will gain more flying skill and their plumage will become indistinguishable from adult birds.” http://birding.about.com/od/birdingglossary/g/fledgling.htm

I have been observing the fledgling birds this summer. They are goofy looking. Sometimes, it’s hard to know what kind of bird they are, because they don’t yet have the identifiable markings that are characteristic to each species. Their feathers grow in unevenly, giving them a ruffled, unkempt look. Once they leave the nest, fledglings seem to spend a lot of time on the ground, hopping more often than flying. The parent birds watch from their perches, but can’t seem to do much more to help.

My young-adult son is fledging—acquiring the feathers that will soon allow him to fly away independently. This process requires some time, space, and freedom—for him to fall, get back up, and try again. He takes short jaunts away from the home, hopping more than flying. He has difficulty with takeoffs, landings, or distance flights. His growth is uneven—half-man, half-child—making it difficult to foresee his future identity. He is still dependent on us, as parents, to provide for him, yet there isn’t much more we can do to teach him to fly.

Self-Care

In chapter 27 of the Book of Acts, Paul describes being stuck on a ship in the midst of a storm. During this crisis, everyone on the ship is so occupied with just staying afloat that they even neglect eating. After a few weeks of this, Paul admonishes the crew:

“None of us has felt like eating! But I urge you to eat something now. You’ll need strength for the rescue ahead.” (Acts 27:33-34 MSG)

Like the sailors on this ship, I often neglect basic self-care because I’m too busy keeping things afloat.

Self-Care has always been difficult for me. It feels selfish and indulgent. The more stressed-out and haggard I feel, the less I take care of myself. This is obviously a dumb move, but I’ve been doing it for so long that it feels natural. Plus, I have to admit that I get some satisfaction out of depriving myself, because it solidifies my feelings of martyrdom. Another reason that I neglect self-care is because I get a great deal of joy from taking care of others. Buying my son or husband something makes me feel happier than buying something for myself. Making a meal for a friend, filling the birdfeeders, even brushing my dog—bring me more satisfaction than brushing my own hair or feeding myself.

Let’s say my family has one reliable car that is used by all members—to get to work, school, grocery store, appointments—anything that requires transportation. If I neglect to put fuel in that car, ignore warning lights, or postpone routine maintenance, eventually my entire family will suffer.

I know that neglecting self-care is harmful in the long run. Yet, when there is so much to do, so many things to take care of, and so many people depending on me, I feel like I have no other choice. But, this is not true. I have a choice, and I’m choosing to neglect my physical, mental, and emotional health in order to feed my unhealthy martyr complex. 

In order to change this harmful habit, I have lately resorted to a point system for self-care. I give myself a point every time I do something that nurtures my soul, mind, or body. I give myself half a point for things I do for others that make me feel good too. This measurable, daily self-care encourages me to attend to parts of my life that have been undernourished for far too long.