Going Back For More Abuse

Some people go in for weekly massages, manicures, or pedicures. I subject myself to weekly spankings. Let me explain: I call my parents every week and listen while they berate me. I try to explain my choices and justify my behavior. I even try to modify my actions according to their values. This puts me in a compromising position that is both uncomfortable for me, and yet dissatisfying to my parents. Now, this pattern might be excusable if I were a teenager living in my parent’s house. But I happen to be a 43 year-old woman who has not been dependent on my parents for several decades. So why do allow this? Why do I grant them this level of power over me?

For one thing, I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I want to make them feel loved and respected. Somewhere along the years, I developed a distorted belief that love involved regular castigation. Even though I have desensitized myself a bit over the years, I am still affected by their criticism. It has seeped into my psyche, influencing how I see myself and how I relate to others. I tend to be indecisive. I am prone to self-flagellation. I constantly seek self-improvement. I never feel like I’m good-enough. If this weren’t bad-enough, I inadvertently pass these beliefs onto others around me, repeating the vicious cycle of abuse. I have a tendency to encourage others to ‘improve’ themselves. I eagerly provide advice, suggestions, and information whether or not I’m asked for it.

Now that I am aware of this problem, how do I get out of it? How do I avoid repeating this cycle?