Marriage Boot Camp

I find weddings depressing. When I look at the bride and groom, I keep seeing two lambs being led to slaughter. Yes, I agree that this is a pessimistic view of marriage. I’m definitely not the right person to give a toast at a wedding! I have been married for over 22 years to my wonderful husband. My life has been better after I met him than before. So, why do I have such a pessimistic outlook on marriage?  I just don’t think most young people are aware of how complicated marriage is. Before our wedding, my husband and I took two different courses on ‘Preparing for Marriage’, both lasting several months.  However, I don’t think anything could have prepared us for the reality to come.

I would like to see the following question added to the wedding vows: “Are you willing to make an act of self-surrender and live for your spouse rather than for yourself?” “Oh, and while you’re here, if you are planning on having kids, are you willing to give up your self-hood for the sake of the kids?”

I’m not sure that many young people are ready for this level of commitment. I wasn’t. In my 20’s, I was all about self-fulfillment. But marriage and having a child have changed me. Over the years, I have gradually turned from a person who was primarily focused on myself to someone who is focused on my husband and son.

According to C.S. Lewis, humanity’s original sin was turning from God to self. Thus, in order to restore my relationship and be in the presence of God, I must “make an act of self-surrender…in living to God rather than to myself.” (--from The Problem of Pain, by C.S. Lewis)

When I read this, I realized that marriage prepares us to be with God.

Like any boot-camp experience, it is a tough learning experience. Yet it transforms us, whipping our egos into shape for the next phase. Once we turn from our self, to our spouses, and then to our children, the transition of surrendering to God is not as difficult.

If I knew then, what I know now, I would have worn a camouflage uniform and combat boots at my wedding. ;-)