Risk-Benefit Analysis

When making decisions, I’m constantly weighing possible risks, costs, and benefits. For example, driving to the grocery store on a normal day involves the minimal risk of getting into a car accident or some other unpredictable catastrophe. Then there is the cost of time, gas for the car, and the possibility that I will spend more money on unnecessary purchases while at the store. The benefits are that I would have the necessary ingredients to prepare meals for the next week. In this case, benefits are worth the risk and cost, so I would go ahead and drive to the store. Now, if the same choice had to be made on a winter night, under icy road conditions—the risk might outweigh the possible benefits. Or, if instead of groceries, I was in need of medicines for my very sick child—then it might be worth taking whatever risk necessary to drive to a pharmacy.

There is a certain amount of risk-benefit analyses going on in the back of our minds all the time. However, some people are more risk tolerant than others—taking risks with their health, finances, safety, and relationships. They are willing to play the odds that things will work out in their favor.

For example, in the U.S., over $50 billion is spent each year on lottery tickets. The odds of winning are 1 in 14 million. There is a greater chance of being struck by falling airplane parts. Slot machine odds can be just as bad—up to1 in about 34 million chances of winning the top prize. People do win and sometimes they win substantial amounts, but it does mean that the more you play, the more the math works against you, and the better the chances are of you walking out of the casino with less money in your wallet than when you came in. (from investopedia.com)

Warren Buffett has called gambling in general a “tax on stupidity.” Buffett’s ability to quickly and effectively analyze risk/benefit ratios has made him one of the richest men in the world. Most of us will never get to his level of talent in this matter. Yet, if we could develop enough skill to keep our families safe—not exposing them to unnecessary harm—then we would be rich in peace and contentment. 

Differing Parenting Styles

When my son was a toddler, I was his primary caregiver. I decided what to feed him, when to bathe him, what was appropriate for him to watch on TV, and how to dress him. One day, another mom and I decided to go out to lunch—leaving our kids under the care of our husbands. My friend was anxious the whole time we were gone. She kept wondering if her husband would care for the child properly. Her parenting style and standards were different than her husband’s. She asked me how I could stay so calm! I shrugged and replied: “My son is with his father—I’m confident that he is in good hands. I’m sure my husband is NOT going to do everything the way I do it—but who says my way is always the best?” My friend felt I was being way too cavalier and uncaring about my child.

Now my son is a young adult and no longer under my care. He makes his own decisions, and my influence over him is minimal. I’m anxious about his welfare and constantly worry about his safety.

My son is under Our Father’s care. I’m sure God’s parenting style and standards are different than mine—so things might not work out the way I want them to. How come I am not able to be at peace and trust God to take care of my son? 

Maybe this level of trust is not humanly possible—but nothing is impossible with God.

Lord, I pray that your Holy Spirit will transform me and enable me to trust in YOU unequivocally. 

The Illusion of Perfection

Do you ever look at a person and think:

Gosh, she’s so perfect; she has the perfect family; her kids are so talented; her husband is always doting on her; her house always looks immaculate; she’s always so put together; I bet she hasn’t had to suffer like the rest of us…And darn it, I HATE HER!

I used to do this when I was younger—see someone who looked like she had the perfect life from the outside, create a whole fantasy narrative—and then proceed to feeling yucky around her. Then I noticed that I only did this to other gals, not guys. Why?

Well, because I didn’t compare myself to the guys. I might observe a guy who seemed like he had a good life, and my reaction never went beyond a neutral shrug. Yet, when I saw a woman that gave off the illusion of perfection, I felt immediate pangs of inadequacy and dissatisfaction.

As I got older, I realized that my perception of reality was skewed. Nobody has a perfect life. Every person suffers and struggles at some point or another. Sometimes sadness can be covered up; other times it can’t. If you have a huge scar on your back, you can camouflage it behind clothes. However, if you have even a small pimple on your face, it is very difficult to hide it from others. Some people are just more comfortable about sharing their pain than others are. I usually don’t show my private scars to people when I first meet them, but most of my close friends have seen every blemish. 

So, next time you think someone has a perfect life, remember…the perception of perfection is merely an illusion. 

Venting

When we are frustrated or angry at a person, venting our emotions to a third party who is not involved in the situation can be therapeutic. The act of venting allows an outlet for our emotions, releasing pent-up pressure. This deflects some of the force of our anger towards the person who is involved.

“Complain if you must, but don’t lash out.
Keep your mouth shut, and let your heart do the talking.
Build your case before God and wait for his verdict.” (Ps. 4:4-5 MSG)

Complain, vent –but not to the person who has made you angry. When I’m upset with a family member, I talk to my friends about it. If I’m frustrated with a friend, I talk to my husband about it. Just talking over a situation with a neutral party allows me to get a different perspective and gives me time to cool off. By not spouting off something to the person with whom I’m angry, I’m less likely to say something I regret.

I also vent to God. I present my case to Him. I lay out all my feelings, my fears, my concerns. And then, I’m not so pent up with emotion. Even before there is any sort of resolution to the problem, I feel a sense of relief knowing that God’s got this, and I just need to trust and wait.

Blahs and Blues

I’m reading this weird book titled Acedia and Me by Kathleen Morris. Acedia is an old word that is no longer in circulation. It’s hard to define—but here are some phrases that we use currently to express the same idea:

I’m feeling blah—I just don’t care anymore—(and my personal favorite from a country song)—My Give a Damn’s Busted!

Having the blahs, occasionally, is understandable. However, when acedia levels start creeping up, the blahs turn into the blues. What starts off as vague listlessness, disinterest, inertia, and apathy—turns into melancholy, weariness, despair, and depression. 

Acedia may seem harmless, and thus it’s tempting to soak in it. Yet this insidious vice can be malignant. Its tentacles can creep into every aspect of our life, choking out hope, motivation, tenacity, and faith. Imbibing acedia is a lot like drinking alcohol—it’s hard to know when to stop, because your judgment is impaired the more you indulge in it.

I try to restrict a blah mood to a few hours. After that, I get up and do something, anything, so that I don’t sink down too far. I clean, or exercise, or cook, or call a friend, or brush the dog—something active that revives me out of the funk I’m in.

If physical activity doesn’t do the trick, Morris suggests an intriguing prescription for severe acedia: tears and Psalms. Tears allow us to feel, melting away the numbness. The Psalms give expression to our frustration, thus pushing out the stuck emotions. 

Inner Demons

While the Gospels advocate forgiving one’s enemies, the Old Testament has many verses that ask God to ‘smite’ our enemies.

“Rescue me, my God! Slap all my enemies in the face! (Ps. 3:7 NLT)

Kathleen Morris (author and poet) suggests that our inner demons are our greatest enemies.

Whatever torments us—addictions, depression, unfaithfulness, pride, anxiety, lack of trust, fear, insecurity, greed, self-inflicted diseases, envy, anger, bitterness—these are our inner demons. We cannot exorcise these demons by ourselves. Neither do we have power over other people’s demons.

“Real help comes from God. Your blessing clothes your people!” (Ps. 3:8 MSG)

Victory over inner demons can ONLY come from God. Once they are driven out, then we need a covering of protection.

Lord, rescue us from all our inner and outer demons. Smite my enemies. SLAP them, drive them out of here. Real help comes ONLY from You! Heal us; Protect us; Bless us. 

Miracles in the Rearview Mirror

Most days I’m focused on the road ahead of me. I concentrate on the obstacles, the problems, the changes, and the unpredictable turn of events. I have a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel as I navigate through this treacherous ride. This morning, I glanced up at the rearview mirror and noticed all the miracles behind me…the mountainous path I had come through already.

I need to pull over on the side of this road and pause for a moment—to appreciate these miracles.

So many answered prayers—healing of mind and body, disasters that were avoided, mistakes that were ameliorated, unasked for blessings, protection from danger, provision during the lean years, strength during tough times, discernment to make good choices…

I can be at peace as I drive forward—confident in God’s care. I do not have to worry about the thousands of obstacles ahead of me, for I remember the miracles behind me.

“I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the LORD was watching over me. I am not afraid of ten thousand enemies who surround me on every side.” (Ps. 3:5-6 NLT)

Space to Grow

When planting a grove of trees, experts recommend spacing them close enough together that the canopies will mesh in maturity. It’s okay for the branches to touch each other, as long as each tree has enough space to grow.

Relationships need the right amount of space too—enough space for us to grow, but not so much that we grow apart.

How much space is needed for ideal growth is dependent on one’s emotional makeup and stage of life. Introverts seem to require more space than extroverts. Couples tend to prefer more closeness than adult siblings. Teens are more distant than toddlers. The right amount of space allows enough room for individual growth, while still remaining close enough to buffer against strong wind and storms.

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness…Stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”( Kahlil Gibran—Sufi poet)

Writing

Occasionally, I read something that makes me want to stop writing. A few years ago, I read parts of a book that an acquaintance had written. It was awful! I immediately wondered if my writing was just as bad, and I just hadn’t realized it yet. What if I were just adding to the sewage of bad writing that is already out there?

I have the same reaction to good writing. When I read something beautifully crafted, I feel like I have no business expressing my half-baked thoughts in cliché-ridden prose.

This reminds me of a ceramics class that I took where we were supposed to make a bowl. My attempt at a bowl ended up embarrassingly crude and goofy--it made me laugh every time I looked at it. It became a receptacle for my spare coins. I gave up on ceramics after that one class—deciding that the world would be better off if I left pottery making to those who were more skilled than I.

I realize my writing is often lumpy and lopsided—but it has become a receptacle for my thoughts. And if these spare words can be useful in any way to anyone—even if it is just to me—then it has achieved its purpose.

Tectonic Shifts

I’ve written several posts about ‘the search for significance.’ Here is the usual trajectory: first we look to external achievements/possessions; then, we look within ourselves— to our sense of self-worth, or our enlightenment; or perhaps we find our significance through our relationship with God.

Every so often, I read something that creates a tectonic shift deep within my core beliefs. Here is a quote by Thomas Merton that shattered my carefully arranged ideas on the topic of significance:

Saints…“have finally reached the point where they take their own insignificance for granted.” (New Seeds of Contemplation, by Thomas Merton)

All this time, I’ve been searching for significance. I’ve imagined that I have an essential role in this world, if only I could find it.

I’m about as significant as a dry leaf floating down a river. I might be used to keep an ant dry and safe from drowning or to provide a resting place for a dragonfly. My part is infinitesimal compared to that of God. Yet, I can mess up even my little role, thereby changing the dynamics of the drama.

Once I accept my own insignificance, I’m free—to go wherever the Spirit leads me, to do whatever the Spirit directs me to do.

___

Pocket God

I recently discovered a weird game app called ‘Pocket God.’

“Pocket God is a god game in which the player takes the role of an omnipotent being who rules over an island and controls everything. The primitive islanders, known as pygmies, are subject to the player's god powers. These range from benevolent powers, such as giving the islanders a fishing rod, to destructive, for example summoning a hurricane, or simply entertaining, such as levitating the Pygmies.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pocket_God_(iOS) 

This seemed like a rather ridiculous game at first. Then I realized many of us view God in a similar vein—as an omnipotent being who can be benevolent or destructive based on reasons we cannot comprehend. We would like to be gods—the ones in control. Since that isn’t possible, we hope to have God in our back pocket—to have His power at our disposal.

“So, my very dear friends, when you see people reducing God to something they can use or control, get out of their company as fast as you can.” (1 Cor. 10:14 MSG)

 

Unfortunately, reducing God to manageable, controllable, describable portions—making God ‘user friendly’—is much of what religion is about. Instead, as we acknowledge the mystery, the incomprehensibility, the absurdity of faith—we enter into a subconscious intimacy that is more about submission than control. We realize that a god that fits into our preconceived ideas—a pocket god that is predictable and understandable—can’t also be the Creator and Sustainer of this universe.

 

Agenda Party

Over the last few decades, I’ve been invited to several ‘product parties’—social gatherings hosted by a woman, where one of her friends is selling something. The products range from jewelry, baskets, candles, make-up, purses, art supplies, kitchen gadgets, etc. Usually it is marketed as an opportunity for gals to get together and have fun at a friend’s house, while allowing another friend to make some extra cash. I have always thought of these gatherings as ‘agenda parties’ and try to avoid them as much as possible. However, recently, I’ve been tempted to have an ‘agenda party’ in my home!

According to the World Bank, 2.4 billion people lived on less than $2 a day in 2010. For many of us living in the U.S., this is a hard figure to digest. I spend more than $2 on each meal and that doesn’t even cover the fuel/energy costs to purchase and prepare the food.

Here is my idea for an ‘agenda party’: I would like to have a potluck supper where I ask guests to bring a dish of food that costs $2 or less. I would also like to have everyone share one idea on how we can change this situation. I’m not sure how to ‘market’ this party. I don’t know how to make this a ‘fun’ experience. I wonder how many guests would find excuses not to come.

My agenda for this party is to increase awareness of the disparity in this world, and to get us all thinking about how to resolve it. If you live near me, let me know if you would like to attend my agenda party. If you live far from me, maybe you could consider hosting a similar party or family meal in your own home. 

Snow Job

Yellow lines separate roads that have two-way traffic. I’m usually very careful not to cross yellow lines. Yesterday, all the lane markers were obscured by snow, and I noticed myself drifting into the wrong lane a few times. Luckily, I corrected myself before I got in any danger. Since I had a passenger in the car with me, I felt especially convicted about safety and staying alert.

A ‘snow job’ is a colloquial term that means a cover-up or an instance of deceiving or overwhelming someone with elaborate, often insincere talk. (dictionary.com)

It’s easy to wander into dangerous situations when lane markers are obscured by deception or insincerity. Deception can be unintentional. Often, it’s people who are self-deceived that lead others astray as well. It’s important to stay alert. Make sure you aren’t crossing the line into a head-on collision; and if you see someone else who is about to go into the wrong lane, warn them.

“My dear friends, if you know people who have wandered off from God’s truth, don’t write them off. Go after them. Get them back and you will have rescued precious lives from destruction and prevented an epidemic of wandering away from God.” (James 5:19-20 MSG) 

It's Complicated

(from Joshua Study)

“Worship him in total commitment. Get rid of the gods your ancestors worshiped.” (23:14 MSG)

“Say an unqualified Yes to God. (Josh 24:23)

Don’t wander off; stay committed to God.

It is tempting to idolize the same things as our ancestors, neighbors, and friends—or the same things that we ourselves worshipped in our past. Although I profess to be committed to God, I’m drawn to the ideas of this world. I don’t want to give myself up to Him. I would like a partial commitment.

Young couples these days tend to have several stages of commitment: (here are a few vaguely defined stages--not necessarily in order) ‘just hanging out’, ‘hooking-up’, ‘dating’, ‘friends with benefits,’ ‘in a relationship’ on FaceBook, ‘exclusive’, ‘living together’, engaged, ‘having a baby together’, ‘significant other’, ‘in a committed relationship’, marriage, ‘It’s complicated’…

The lines are intentionally blurry, because nobody wants to commit totally or say an ‘unqualified yes’ to anything.  

I’m not so young, yet I too am hesitant to say an unqualified yes to God—to totally commit myself to Him.  

“As for me and my family, we will worship God.” (24:15 MSG)

Yeah, I have a plaque inscribed with this on my kitchen windowsill—but as far as LIVING it—well… “It’s complicated.” 

Ego-Boosting Gifts

 “A flattering neighbor is up to no good; he’s probably planning to take advantage of you.” (Proverbs 29:5 MSG)

A few months ago, I took the entrance exam to apply for MBA school. In the process of studying for it, I realized that I don’t really fit the typical MBA profile; I’m just not that profit-motivated.

This week, I got a package in the mail. A big box with a stainless steel coffee cup embossed with the name of the Business School, a bag of gourmet coffee, a personal note urging me to apply to their program, and a waiver for the application fee. (The box was twice as big as it needed to be for the contents; it was mostly filled with black shredded streamers.)

I have to admit--I was flattered. I haven't had somebody 'woo' me in a few decades.

Maybe I was mistaken; maybe I am a good fit for this after all. It sure would impress others. Plus this school WANTs me...I decided to take another look at their website. Nope, it still didn’t feel like it would be a good fit.

Then it dawned on me that being a school of business, they probably had several students working on 'marketing' for the school. They probably sent this stuff out to every person that had a decent score on the entrance exam. Colleges make a great deal of money from their graduate schools. Sending out a $20 box of merchandise for a possible return of around $30,000 is a good marketing strategy--and I almost fell for it.

I will hang on to the cup—hopefully it will serve as a reminder of how I almost sold my soul for silver? (Technically stainless steel, but 'silver' works better for this analogy.)

Lessons learned: Temptations usually come in seductive, ego-boosting packages. Subtle flattery can be an alluring trap. When someone strokes your ego, there might be an underlying agenda.   

Lopsided

Homeostasis is the body’s ability to maintain equilibrium by compensating for disruptive changes. When there is a deviation of our normal body temperature, blood pressure, or pH, receptors in our body send signals to our brain. The brain then sends signals to our organs to make adjustments through a negative feedback system. Maintaining homeostasis takes up a lot of energy because our bodies are in a constant state of flux.

Maintaining stasis in a marriage also takes a lot of energy. It’s difficult enough to find your own balance, but when you are yoked together with another person, it becomes even more challenging. For example, when one spouse has a career that is quite demanding in terms of time, flexibility, commitment of resources, stress, and energy—the other spouse ends up having to compensate for this disequilibrium. Once we sense that something is out of balance, we have to address it, even if  it involves negative feedback. Both spouses will have to make adjustments, reevaluate priorities, and modify expectations.

Once we acknowledge that things are lopsided, we can provide each other with a counterbalance. We can make adjustments, give more when it is required, and ask for more when we need it. We can plug up leaks that are draining our resources, while shoring up broken areas in our walls. A harmonious marriage requires this constant attention, feedback, and adaptation. 

Juggling

“Work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls-- family, health, friends, integrity-- are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered.” (--Gary Keller, The One Thing)

Juggling the balls of work, family, health, relationships, and integrity is something most adults have to do. We attempt to be dedicated to our careers and devoted to our family and friends. We also want to take care of our health and stay true to ourselves. However, we routinely drop the ball on one or more of these goals.

We are forced to choose among all our different commitments. We can’t concentrate on all these things at the same time—at least not for very long. Some of us drop the ball of health first—we stop nourishing our bodies properly; we don’t get adequate rest or exercise; we stop paying attention to our mental and emotional health. Others might drop friendships or family or work before anything else. When we are exhausted, spirituality and personal integrity seem like idealistic luxuries that we cannot afford.

We operate on the false belief that all aspects of our life are equally resilient. Yet, the above quote by Gary Keller reminds us that this is not true. Glass balls can’t be dropped without shattering consequences. 

Dealing with Mail

Every day my husband picks up the mail from our mailbox. It stays on the dining table until we go through it and sort it out. The junk mail goes straight into the trash—we don’t even open it. The bills are put in the pile next to the computer until they are paid, and then we file them away. The grocery store circulars are kept on my kitchen shelf, so I can plan my shopping and meals around whatever is on sale that week. I go through a similar process with emails. I go through them daily—deleting and reporting spam, replying to personal emails, and deleting old messages that are no longer relevant.

What if, instead of sorting through it, we just took all the mail and stored it permanently? This would not be a good way to deal with it! Junk mail and expired grocery store circulars would be mixed in with important pieces of mail. The subsequent clutter would make it difficult to retrieve relevant information when it is needed.

Think of all the incoming messages that enter our heads on a daily basis. Some are our own ideas; some are from the outside world. A good amount of it is junk; some of it is useful in the short term; and finally, there are a few that need to be stored permanently. Messages that are false, manipulative, flattering, or draining—need to be pitched into the trash right away. People may give you advice or information that is relevant to your current phase of life—consider it, and keep it on hand for as long as it is needed—but get rid of it when it is no longer applicable. For example, if you are a mom with young children, you might be given advice on how much care and undivided attention children need. However, after the kids are grown, this information is no longer applicable to your situation, and keeping it on file can just be guilt-inducing and limiting. Finally, there are lessons which are meant to be internalized forever —core principles, information that is structurally integral to our true meaning and purpose. We can’t get these important messages mixed in with the junk.

So, regularly sort through the all incoming ideas; deal with them immediately and appropriately. Every few years, clean out your mental files and get rid of anything that is no longer useful. This allows clarity and quick access to integral truths. 

Alleviating Suffering

We are surrounded by physical and emotional pain, disease, poverty, oppression, loneliness, stress, violence, fear, sadness, rejection, and bondage. Some of it is self-inflicted, and some brought about by the poor choices of those around us. Many natural disasters and random accidents are classified as ‘acts of God,’ because it is harder to trace their cause. However, upon closer inspection many of these can be attributed to human neglect as well.

If I could eradicate suffering completely, I would. Since I am not able to do so, I merely attempt to alleviate pain. Yet, God seems to think it’s a necessary part of the human experience. I agree that suffering molds us into more compassionate, humble, empathetic individuals—however, if it were up to me, I’d figure out an easier way to acquire these virtues. For example, I want my son to be virtuous and kind. Yet, I’m not eager for him to suffer in order to get these characteristics.

Benjamin Franklin is known for the popular saying: “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” It would be much easier to prevent the cause of a problem than to find a solution to pain after it is inflicted. Take, for example, the suffering that is caused by divorce. Divorce affects the married couple, the kids, the friends, and extended family members. The problems that lead up to a divorce are complicated. It may be that a couple is mutually incompatible to begin with, but doesn’t realize it until a few years into the marriage. Or the pressures of life distracted them from nurturing their relationship and focusing on each other. Yet, there are many opportunities to pause, yield, forgive, be kind,—to change the trajectory of the relationship.

Not all suffering is preventable. However, we could minimize some of the misery if we learned from our experiences. Pay attention to the cause of pain, sickness, scarcity, alienation, heartache, debt…It’s simpler to prevent a wreck than to deal with the consequences. 

Why Pride Is Unproductive

“Whenever you’re trying to look better than others or get the better of others, things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others’ throats.” (James 3:13-16 MSG)

Most of the attributes that we are proud of—beauty, wealth, status, intelligence, strength, etc.—are fleeting. A visit to any nursing home will remind you of this fact.

While pride may make you feel good initially, it makes others feel inadequate in the long run. (Actually, after the first few seconds, it makes you look bad too.)

Pride is like driving a Hummer in the city. It might turn heads and make the driver feel admired. Yet, the cost to the environment is much higher than any benefit the driver might get from it. Even if driving a Hummer can be attention-getting, driving a gas-guzzler through city roads rarely brings admiring glances. Not to mention that it makes other drivers uncomfortable when they have to share the road with such a huge vehicle.

Humility, on the other hand, might make you appear a bit insignificant at first glance. Yet it usually allows others to feel relaxed and comfortable around you. In the long run, you are admired for your true qualities rather than the magnified version that pride nudges you to present to the world. 

Pride comes with a high maintenance cost; however, ultimately, it is unsustainable. Strictly speaking, a cost-benefit analysis of pride would show that the benefits are just not worth the cost—to yourself or to others. Humility is much more cost-effective and productive.