Marriage Maintenance

I’ve been observing and learning from couples who have been married for two or more decades. Some of these relationships are like lush tropical gardens--growing, flourishing--adding beauty and value to their surroundings. Others resemble long-term prison sentences--they seem miserable, and their discontent spills over to everyone around them.

A healthy marriage requires constant maintenance and abundant Grace. I haven’t found any universal formulas or tips that work for every marriage. But a few key behaviors seem to be present in many good marriages:

-Practice authenticity and honesty--no lying, no faking, no acting, no drama--not to yourself, your spouse, or the rest of the world.  

-Express Respect--mutual respect and self-respect are absolutely essential. Having respect for your spouse and yourself is only the first step. Showing respect (honor) consistently through your words, choices, and actions is just as crucial. 

-Stay engaged--communicate with words, actions, and body. Express your love and admiration frequently and spontaneously. However, when you do need to convey anger, frustration, disappointment, or disapproval--pick the time and place carefully, and do it calmly and fairly. Listen. Pay attention to your spouse--to the spoken and the unspoken.

-Agree on what is important--Reevaluate what is valuable at every new stage of life.

-Don’t get too comfortable or take each other for granted--When you have been married for a long time, it’s easy to fall into the rut of the companionship zone. It’s nice to have a spouse who is also your best friend, but not at the expense of passion. It’s better to cultivate platonic relationships outside of your marriage and stoke the romantic intensity in your marriage.

-Live together--This seems obvious, but many couples end up living separate lives under the same roof. They share expenses and responsibilities--but not each other.  

-Forgive--There will be so many opportunities for forgiving inadequacies and mistakes--both your spouse’s and your own.

-Rely on Divine Grace--Don’t attempt to keep a marriage maintained properly on your own. The anointing of Grace prevents the constant friction from wearing you down.