“All the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant.” (Philippians 3:7-8 MSG)
Much of my writing centers on topics of faith. As such, many would assume that I am always sure of what I believe in and how to move forward. This is NOT the case. Like everyone else, I suffer from seasons of doubt. In fact, I have had to reevaluate many of my belief structures lately. Many of the things I once thought were so important, now seem insignificant. My reasons for doing things a certain way no longer seem valid. Even my motivation for faith is being challenged.
C.S. Lewis, in his poem “As the Ruin Falls”, eerily describes my current mindscape.
“All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.
Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.
Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.
For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.”
I spend so much time pondering and writing about faith. I want to know Jesus better...but why? My desire for peace and reassurance is a strong motivation. I admit my faith is mercenary. I see the chasm between where I am and Selfless Love. The bridge across this gap is rickety and broken. I have to pay attention before each step. Even as the ruins fall, the pain brings me closer. The cycle continues: My devotion waxes and wanes. God rebuilds and guides through forgiveness, love, and grace.
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