Giving, Not Getting

I’ve been trying to figure out the elements of a good marriage. I know some couples who have been married for a long time and still seem to love, respect, and accept each other. After the first few decades of marriage, the giddiness may have worn off. Yet, if you observe these couples, you notice that they are kind to each other in their words and actions. There is a willingness to put the other person's welfare above individual agenda.

More often, I see long-term marriages that are steeped in resentment. These couples tend to tolerate each other at best. They may stay together for various reasons—kids, finances, convenience, societal pressure—or, they might decide to split up. The resentment builds up over the years as one party decides that he/she is sacrificing more than the other person is willing to give. 

“Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting.” (Ephesians 5:25-28 MSG)

What if every husband and wife focused more on giving than getting? What if we expected to invest more in the other person than we got back from him/her? What if our relationship were more about mutual sacrifice and less about personal welfare?

Most of us approach relationships like an investment. Somewhere in the back of our minds, there is often a cost-benefit analysis going on. We are willing to contribute as long as there is promise of future returns. This is an unhealthy paradigm for marriage. Christ showed us a much better example—a love based on giving, not getting. This is really difficult. It may feel like we are somehow being taken advantage of—that the relationship is one-sided. It might very well be. Yet, this sacrificial love, this yielding, is what we are called to do.

(None of the above applies for abusive relationships)