“Only love effects true inner transformation, not duress, guilt, shunning, or social pressure.” (Richard Rohr, Breathing Under Water)
When someone we care about exhibits destructive behavior, most of us try to fix them. We remind them of their responsibilities, express our disapproval, manipulate them with guilt, coerce them with ultimatums, exert social pressure, withdraw support, or avoid their company. We call this approach ‘tough love’, because it’s tough for everyone involved. Sometimes this approach can bring about superficial changes. However, only unconditional love can lead an individual to inner transformation.
I have seen marriages that were rocked by infidelity, alcoholism, and financial difficulties restored to wholeness. I have witnessed young people with addictions and behavioral problems develop into functional adults. In all these cases, the individuals could sense that they were unconditionally loved and accepted. This level of love requires divine grace.
I have also noticed that some people never seem to change. They are not able to sense love even when it is present. They are often coated with impenetrable barriers of self-loathing, insecurity, or self-absorption. Love can only lead to transformation when it can be received.
Lord, soften our hearts so that we may perceive your love.
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