Glorious Living

“It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone. (Ephesians 1:11-12 MSG)

Who am I, and what am I living for?

We are designed for GLORIOUS living. How many of us can say that we live ‘gloriously’. What does that even look like?

Well I can tell you what it isn’t!  It doesn’t mean seeking pleasure, fame, or merely enjoying oneself.

When God’s glory shines through us, then our lives become brilliantly beautiful. In order for this to happen, we have to be close to God—like a cut glass candle-holder that contains a glowing candle. Yet most of us are empty, disconnected, and separated from this source of light. We fill our candle-holders with trinkets, missing our purpose, choosing to remain unlit.

“I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength! (Ephesians 1:15-19 MSG)

Information Bulimia

Google turned 15 in September 2013. I hadn’t realized that it had only been around that long. I feel this milestone calls for a bit of reminiscing…

I finished college, got married, and had a child before Google. Back in college, when I had to do research papers, I went to the library, flipped through a card catalog, found books that were decades old, took notes, came home, wrote the 1^st draft by hand, typed the final draft up on a typewriter and handed it in to the professor in person. My son, (who is in college now) doesn’t even know what a card-catalog is. He saw his first typewriter in a local museum. He never has to leave the house to do research. He can Google any subject and have the most recent information. He can even submit his assignments to his instructors electronically.

Of course, it’s understandable that my son, who grew up in the internet age, would be dependent on technology—but I’m just as hooked! It’s hard to imagine that I planned a wedding before the internet! Now, I can’t even plan a trip without it. I have to read reviews and gather information about every detail before I plan anything these days. And how in the world did I make it through a pregnancy without Google? These days, I wouldn’t be able to get through a hangnail without searching for causes, symptoms, and cures online! I need Google to look up recipes, maps, my calendar, check weather, connect with friends over email, write my blog, look up scripture verses—basically to look up answers for every question that pops up in my head.

I used to cook, drive, and take care of my family without the assistance of Google. Over the last decade, I’ve grown so dependent on this kind of technology. Since I know I can look up information so easily, I don’t bother to retain it anymore. I devour information, ingesting substantial amounts of it daily. However, most of it just passes through my brain. I used to write things down, memorize it, and make an attempt to digest it. Now it’s more like I binge on data and then vomit it out--information bulimia! And Google is my enabler.

Fresh Anointing

I don’t know much about car engines, but I do know I need to get my oil changed regularly. Oil reduces friction thus keeping all the moving parts from overheating. A well lubricated engine uses less fuel, because it takes less effort for it to operate. After several thousand miles of use, motor oil gets dirty—which causes it to become thicker and more abrasive. This is why it is recommended that cars have their oil changed every few months. Cars that that go through severe use might need more frequent oil changes. Experts recommend replacing the oil once a year even in cars that are rarely used. If we are going on a long driving trip, we usually schedule an oil change before we start, just to be on the safe side.

“(God’s) love oils the wheels of his affections, and sets him on that which is helpful to his brethren. A man that goes about a business with ill will, always does it badly.” (Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary of 1 John 4:7-13)

I’ve been a bit cranky lately. The anointing oil of the Holy Spirit—which usually keeps me chugging along—has gotten a bit cruddy over time. It clogs up my motives and makes me have a bad attitude. Despite this, I try to willpower my way through severe conditions. This causes friction and unnecessary wear and tear. I need some fresh anointing.

When I know ahead that I’m about to face a challenging situation, I try to schedule some time for a personal retreat. I make myself available to the Holy Spirit so that He can drain out the contaminated oil and fill me anew. Unfortunately, crises often come unannounced. I might be overdue for some spiritual maintenance, but when others are depending on me, I feel guilty about taking time out for myself. The murky lubricant coursing through my soul causes me to burn out quicker—and it affects everybody that comes in contact with me. 

Hobby-Christians

We have several hobby-farms in our area. These are small acreages where people may raise a few animals or grow crops on a small scale. Those who maintain these farms usually have some other primary occupation. Hobby-farming is usually done on the side—mostly for recreational purposes.

Just as there is a difference between being a dedicated basketball player and shooting some hoops at a pick-up basketball game, there is a world of difference between real farmers and hobby-farmers. A real farmer has to commit all his resources into raising livestock or crops. He works hard from dawn to dusk, his whole family pitching in when needed, because their livelihood depends on it. A hobby-farmer can choose when and how much time and effort to invest in his farming activities. His life doesn’t depend on the outcome. For him, this is merely an avocation, not a vocation.

Similarly, most of us are merely hobby-Christians who seek Christ on our spare time. We are not fully invested in this pursuit. We dabble in faith. For a while we are passionate and excited about this new venture. We might buy a few Bibles, join a church, and get involved in some volunteer projects. We meet other hobby-Christians who are just as enthusiastic as we are. Yet, when things get challenging, our interest fades--and we move on to a new hobby. We might still keep all the accoutrements that we acquired—thumbing through our Bibles occasionally, hanging on to friends we made during that phase, and even going to church (because that’s what we are used to doing on Sundays.) Yet, our interest has fizzled…

If we have committed all our resources into this pursuit, we wouldn’t be able to move on. If we have sunk everything in our life—our identity, our future plans, our savings, our time, our energy—if he have surrendered everything to follow Christ, we would have no other choice but to see it through to the very end.

Team Players

At our local college, the women’s basketball games have a smaller fanbase than the men’s basketball games. Unlike the male players, the chances of these female players making big bucks in a pro-career are slim. The female players seem more dedicated and less audience driven. They also seem more team-oriented and intrinsically motivated.

As a team, they have the same goal: To win the game. They all have certain common gifts—they are all athletic, and taller than average. Each player also has her own special role based on her unique talents. One player may be good at moving the ball, while others may excel at shooting 3 pointers, or blocking, or rebounding, or dunking. Each of these gifts may come with its own liabilities. The tallest player might not be able to move as quickly as the rest. The more intensely physical players might not be able to endure as long as the rest.

As followers of Christ, we are like members of a basketball team. We have the same goal but different gifts. We have a Coach who knows our strengths and weaknesses. He places each of us in different positions based on our uniqueness.

“I want you to get out there and walk—better yet, run!—on the road God called you to travel. I don’t want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don’t want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline—not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences. You were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction, so stay together, both outwardly and inwardly.” (Ephesians 4:1-6 MSG)

Our Coach wants all of us to participate in the game. Nobody gets to sit on the bench all the time. We are to use our unique talents, while at the same time, taking into account our weakness. Our team goal is to play the game to the best of our ability, with integrity, and defeat the opposition. We shouldn’t be distracted by the applause or heckling. We must be consistent, disciplined, alert, and agile. We should be covering each other—looking out for our teammates. It would be ridiculous to wander off the court during a game—to join the spectators, or go get a hotdog, or give interviews to a reporter!

Unfortunately, most of us don’t follow Christ with this level of intensity or dedication. We are more like players at a pick-up basketball game. We might occasionally shoot a few hoops for fun; but this is not our main focus in life…

Watering Our Faith

Last year, for Mother’s Day, my son got me a flowering plant. It came in a decorative pot that fit perfectly on my kitchen window sill. The plant had little red flowers and delicate leaves. I watered it faithfully once a week. After a while, the flowers fell off. I kept watering it, because the leaves were still growing, and I figured it might flower again next spring. Well, it didn’t. I considered repotting it in a new container, but then it wouldn’t fit on my kitchen window sill. As time wore on, I became less consistent in my care of the plant. I’d go away on vacation, or get busy with other things, and forget to water it. After a whole year of keeping it alive, I didn’t want to bother with it anymore. Finally, I gave up on it and threw it out.

Sometimes we treat our faith like a potted plant. We tend it carefully when it is flowering. We care for it as long as it fits perfectly in the space we have allotted it. Yet, when it grows too big and requires more from us, we are reluctant to rearrange our lives to accommodate it. Over time, we get busy with other diversions and neglect it. Eventually, we give up on it.

Faith and love are interconnected. Faith is a loving, trusting relationship with God. Like any relationship, the love we have for God needs to be nurtured regularly. How can we keep watering our faith even when it is past its blooming stage? A few spiritual disciplines that nourish my relationship with God are—Bible study, reading other good books, prayer, writing, and personal retreats. I’m sure that each one of us has a different list of ways we maintain our connection to the Divine. Whatever our methods, as long as we are actively tending to our faith, it will continue to flourish.

Shelter

Our local homeless shelter provides a multitude of services for the needy in our community. For those who are able to stay sober and are willing to attend counseling, the shelter provides temporary living quarters, food, and vocational training. Unfortunately, sometimes people are turned away. There are many homeless people who suffer from addictions and mental health problems who are not able or willing to stay here overnight. They live outdoors during the warm months because of the rules and restrictions at the shelter. These individuals are allowed to drop-in during the day for food, showers, laundry facilities, telephone use, and to pick up clothing and toiletry donations. During the winter, this shelter becomes a refuge for so many who are seeking protection from the harsh conditions outdoors. As you might imagine, the news of all these services is shared by word of mouth throughout the homeless community. There are hundreds of people standing in line in front of the shelter every day. Yet, those of us who are not in need of these particular services rarely go near this shelter.

We are all needy in different ways. Where do we go when we need protection from the elements? Who provides us with our daily sustenance?

“But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign LORD my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.” (Ps.73:28 NLT)

God is our shelter, a place of refuge, a place where we can receive grace. There are other needy people, just like us, that find comfort in Him. No one is turned away. Some choose to dwell inside, while others merely drop-in from time-to-time, because they find His standards too restrictive. I am not embarrassed that I need this shelter. I can’t make it on my own. I need help. I tell everyone about this place. I invite them to join me in this wonderful shelter that protects, sustains and takes care of me.

Despairing Prayers

I rejoice and celebrate when a prayer is answered. Last week, I spent a whole morning in ecstatic joy over the news that a friend’s estranged son had made contact with her. I thank God every day when my son and husband return home safely. Prayers of gratitude and praise are always uplifting to my spirit. I’m eager to talk about these answered prayers to anyone who will listen. Yet, I also lose heart when my prayer does not bring about the results for which I had hoped. I get weary, despondent, and demoralized. I fall into (what I like to call) ‘des-prayer’—despairing prayers filled with desperate pleas, negotiations, questioning, begging, and expressions of anger and disappointment.

Please, please, please, God—I promise to never take anything for granted, ever! Can’t you hear me? Are YOU there? I thought you would come through by now. Holy Spirit, groan through me, speak up for me. I’m tired of repeating the same prayers over and over again. Please, why can’t you just fix this now? Can’t you see how much he/she is suffering?

Unlike prayers of gratitude, which are uplifting,--‘des-prayers’ are draining. I feel dejected and discouraged. And since I don’t want to spread my misery, I keep these despairing prayers to myself. This is a mistake. Just as joyful praise brings glory to God, so does prayer during suffering. When we refuse to give up and keep confidently expecting God to take care of us—despite the worst conditions—we inspire others to do the same.

“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.” (2 Corinthians 4:8-10 NLT)

Grown-Up Senses

“He (Christ) told us to be not only ‘as harmless as doves’, but also ‘as wise as serpents’. He wants a child’s heart, but a grown-up's head. He wants us to be simple, single-minded, affectionate, and teachable, as good children are; but He also wants every bit of intelligence we have to be alert at its job, and in first-class fighting trim. The fact that you are giving money to a charity does not mean that you need not try to find out whether that charity is a fraud or not. The fact that what you are thinking about is God Himself (for example, when you are praying) does not mean that you can be content with the same babyish ideas which you had when you were a five-year-old. It is, of course, quite true that God will not love you any the less, or have less use for you, if you happen to have been born with a very second-rate brain. He has room for people with very little sense, but He wants everyone to use what sense they have.” (-from Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis)

God intends us to have a child-like heart and a grown-up brain. A child’s heart rarely gets mired down in cynicism and hopelessness. Instead, it looks at the world with wonder and trust—expecting goodness. When children go through severe trauma, we say that they have lost their innocence. They have experienced pain, they are now aware of the darkness in this world, and they shall now look at the world skeptically. We often associate this awareness—this hardening of the heart—with maturity. As grown-ups, we are more guarded, less vulnerable, more complicated, less trusting. We are not as open to learning, because we are cautious about whom we will trust to be our teachers and guides. Some people are able to keep their childish heart, but unfortunately retain their childish brain along with it. These are the people who refuse to face reality, imagining that ‘everything will somehow work out’. Oftentimes, they are in denial about the cause and effect of their choices—waiting for others to rescue them from the consequences of their immature actions.

So how can we integrate a childish heart and a grown-up brain? Well, we can reserve our wonder, awe, and trust for God—while looking rationally, analytically, and thoughtfully at ourselves and our fellow humans. This doesn’t mean that we hang on to our babyish ideas of a fuzzy, cuddly, teddy-bear of a God; nor does it mean that we no longer trust another human being. If we were sitting on a bench, and it broke, we would be cautious about sitting on it again. But if a dependable carpenter fixed this bench, we might feel secure enough to sit on it again. It’s not because we feel assured of the quality of the wood, or the nails, or the screws that make up the bench—but because we trust the workmanship of the One who fixed the brokenness. As grown-ups, we have to accept that it is part of our human condition to be broken easily. Yet, we can also place our confidence in our Father who mends our brokenness.

Loss of Appetite

A loss of appetite can be caused by a wide range of physical and mental conditions. It can result in malnutrition, physical weakness, and a loss of immunity. Loss of appetite is a symptom of some other underlying condition. The first step is diagnosing the root of the problem and then treating that disease. Other suggested treatments include: scheduled mealtimes, limiting fluids or other substitutions, and creating a pleasant eating environment free of distractions. Most of us who have a hearty appetite take it for granted—some of us even consider it an inconvenience.

What if we lost our appetite for God? What if we never really had a desire for a relationship with HIM in the first place? Is there a way to stimulate our appetite for God?

The first step is to find the root of the problem. Often we have false beliefs of God that have been ingrained in us during our formative years. Some of us see Him as a Father-figure who is legalistic, judgmental, inconsistent, violent, erratic, and scary. Others see Him as uncaring, wimpy, uninvolved, irrelevant, difficult to understand, detached, or non-existent. These underlying conditions prevent us from desiring any sort of intimate relationship with God. The primary treatment for these misconceptions is to really get to know Him. Set scheduled daily time to spend with Him. Taste, chew, and savor. Limit substitutions that could be suppressing your hunger. Create a distraction-free environment that allows you to enjoy experiencing God.

If you are in a phase of life where you have a hearty appetite for God—do not take it for granted. A desire for God is a gift to be relished and explored. It is a rare blessing that needs to be cherished and guarded.

Privilege

A privilege is a special right, something that not everyone has. Not everyone has the privilege of having a spouse, or a child, or a grandchild, or genuine friends. Not everyone has the opportunity to get an education, find a suitable job, or make healthy choices.

When I start thinking about it, my day is filled with privileges. I woke up this morning in my own home and was able to make myself a cup of coffee just the way I like it. Then I had the privilege to spend some time praying and studying the Bible. And since my joints, muscles, and ligaments still work, I was able to go outside and run. Then I had a chance to feed my family a healthy breakfast, and clean up after with readily available water. I have the privilege of eyesight, a working brain, and functioning hands. And I have been blessed with the ability to notice the value of these things.

When we have had a privilege for a long time, it is no longer seen as a special right, but merely as something we deserve. Also, when we live around other privileged people, we tend to forget that not everyone in the world has these same opportunities. Take driving for example—in some parts of the world, women are not allowed to drive. I have the freedom to drive myself to wherever I need to go, without waiting on a male relative to come along with me. Everyone that lives around me also has this privilege, so it’s easy to take it for granted.

I recently read an article about an 8 year-old child-bride in Yemen, who died from internal injuries after intercourse with her 40 year old husband. http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/09/10/us-yemen-childbride-idUSBRE98910N20130910

The greatest privilege I have had in my life thus far has been the opportunity to take care of my child. I was reminded of this when I read the above article. How must the mother of that little girl feel—to not be able to protect her child against this deplorable cultural practice? I’m sure that this mother had very little power to prevent this from happening. We, in America, consider it a basic human right to protect our young children from harm. Yet this is a privilege that many parents do not have.

The opportunity to make good choices is in itself a precious privilege; may we never take it for granted.

Energy Vampires

Extroverts tend to be recharged in the company of others. They often use others as a sounding board to process thoughts. They are considered energy vampires by some introverts because they feed off the energy that is generated in a group.

I consider myself an ambivert—exhibiting some characteristics from both sides of the introvert-extrovert spectrum. I don’t like large groups or superficial conversations. I am not spontaneous. I would rather spend an evening at home watching TV, or reading a book than be out with friends. My favorite places to hang out are: my home, outdoors in nature, and the library. My favorite hobbies are thinking, reading, and writing. However, I am also talkative and outgoing. I have a loud voice and expressive body language. I’m comfortable around most people, although I am selective about my friends. I express my opinion, even if it is likely to cause conflict. I will rarely back down from an argument, especially if it is a subject about which I feel passionately. I am intense, introspective, focused, and energetic. I am open and transparent about my experiences, my talents, and my flaws. I am friendly to strangers, especially if they seem shy or somehow marginalized. I know how it feels to be the outsider, and I am eager to make others feel included and accepted. I am genuinely interested in authentic people, and I often ask them a lot of questions. If you happen to be an introvert, my intensity could be overwhelming. I may unintentionally drain you of your limited energy reservoir. I apologize.

I am trying to find constructive outlets to express myself authentically without harming anyone. Writing allows me to channel some of this intensity. Reading enables me to be a ‘vampire of thoughts’, feeding off the wisdom of great writers. And running allows me to hash out my thoughts without disturbing anyone else. What’s left often gets dumped on my family and a few good friends—who end up being forced to listen to my unending metaphysical questions. I’m deeply grateful for their patience and generosity.

Study Skills

When we are young, we study because it is required of us. We have been told that education opens doors to better employment, higher status, and financial security. So the first few decades of our life, we plod through our schoolwork. Once that phase of life is over, most of us are reluctant to spend our time in serious study again.

When was the last time you studied something other than when it was required for a class or work? Maybe you were researching what kind of insurance would be a good fit for you family, or the health benefits of a particular food, or the current tax laws. Studying involves more than reading. It necessitates active processing of information, analysis, problem solving and comprehension. When I am studying, I usually take notes, highlight phrases, try to take concepts apart, look at it from different angles, use reference books—whatever I need to do to grasp the subject matter.

We have more opportunity for studying these days than in any other time in history. Through the internet, we can access information on any subject, in a multitude of languages, at any time of day, without even leaving our home. Thousands of books are available for free at public libraries. Study guides break down complex information and present it in easily understandable formats. Sadly, most adults take these opportunities for granted and would rather spend time on other pursuits. 

Studying is like opening the door to a wonderful world. Let’s say you live indoors all the time. You have plenty to do, and all your basic needs are met without ever stepping outside. You get glimpses of the outdoors through your windows—and it looks interesting—but you are reluctant to exert yourself or leave the comfort of a controlled environment. Daily, you pass by doors that you could open, doors that would allow you to walk out into this fascinating realm—but you choose not to. You have a myriad of reasons for this choice. You feel like you are past that phase in life. You’re too busy, you’re too tired, your mind isn’t as sharp as it used to be…

Well here is a great way to sharpen that mind: spend 30 minutes a day studying something you are interested in. Read a passage of scripture and really study it. Or if you are interested in the efficacy of solar panels—learn about the details. Or if hummingbirds fascinate you—find out everything you can about their diet, migration, gender differences, and unique physical adaptations. We might have to give up 30 minutes of watching TV, or online activities, or reading meaningless fluff to make time for this. Now, if you are one of those people who spend all day poring over information as part of your work—please disregard this. Just step outside and study a tree, or the sky, or a bird—just experience nature for 30 minutes.  

A Passion for Learning

C.S. Lewis was a writer, a teacher, and a philosopher. Yet he considered learning to be his true vocation.

“An appetite for these things (learning) exists in the human mind, and God makes no appetite in vain. We can therefore pursue knowledge as such, and beauty as such, in the sure confidence that by so doing we are either advancing to the vision of God ourselves or indirectly helping others to do so. Humility, no less than the appetite, encourages us to concentrate simply on the knowledge or the beauty, not too much concerning ourselves with their ultimate relevance to the vision of God. That relevance may not be intended for us but for our betters—for men who come after and find the spiritual significance of what we dug out in blind and humble obedience to our vocation…The intellectual life is not the only road to God, nor the safest, but we find it to be a road, and it may be the appointed road for us.” (--from “Learning at War-Time” (The Weight of Glory) by C.S. Lewis)

As I read this passage, I was left with so many questions: Does every human have an appetite for learning—especially a desire for knowing God? Are some of our extreme behaviors a product of misplaced hungers?

According to my mom, I had a habit of eating dirt when I was a baby. This could have been just due to curiosity or some sort of nutrient deficiency. Luckily, I grew out of this weird habit soon. However, I haven’t outgrown my desire to dig, to learn. I still have an appetite to taste what I excavate, to analyze the soil, to examine everything closely. I’m not sure if this passion for learning is useful to anybody. It makes me happy, but I wonder how it fits into God’s plan? According to Lewis, many people before me have spent their lives digging and analyzing so that others who come after them may cultivate this soil and grow useful crops. Learning might not have an immediate yield, but it can still be a legitimate vocation. I don’t suggest pursuing knowledge for its own sake or for the accolades it brings. Just like nectar is hidden deep within beautiful flowers, there is beauty and knowledge hidden deep within all of nature and every soul. I have experienced fleeting moments of deep joy as I discover these hidden treasures. And like a miner who gets gold fever after finding a few nuggets, I am hooked.

Restorative vs. Draining

A structured schedule acts as a container for time. Without it, hours dribble away like water poured onto a counter instead of into a bowl. My schedule has been more fluid lately, but I feel busier and more exhausted by the end of each day. I decided to do an audit on my time to understand the cause of this paradox.

Most days, I wake up by 6am, spend a few hours praying, thinking, and writing, then exercise, then housework, maybe run to the store,  read and study, cook meals, clean, do some yard work, connect with friends over phone or email, hang out with my family, watch some TV, and go to bed.

Some of my daily habits are restorative, while others are simply draining. Exercising, cooking healthy meals, keeping my home tidy, and attending to the needs of my loved ones are all beneficial. My early morning quiet time is deeply therapeutic. However, the time I spend doing ‘internet research’ on whatever interests me, checking Facebook more than once a day, watching TV in the evenings, and going to the grocery store more than once a week are all just time drains. I imagine these activities will be relaxing and thus recharging. Yet, staying up late to watch TV, instead of going to sleep, merely depletes me further. Facebook, used thoughtfully, can be a useful tool for accountability groups. I check in daily with two groups that keep me on track with personal goals. Yet, I’m tempted to dilly-dally—scrolling through pictures and videos, indulging in modern day social voyeurism. Some online activities suck up time but provide very little rejuvenation.

A wise investor would sell stocks that are merely depleting his resources and reinvest his capital into sectors with growth potential. He would reallocate his assets and rebalance his portfolio—paying close attention to shifts in the market. Nobody should use the stock market as a form of entertainment, carelessly gambling away their resources.

Gone are the days when people were looking for ways to ‘pass the time’. Time and energy are becoming increasingly limited commodities. Frittering it away carelessly is no longer a good option. Reconsider habits that are draining. Reinvest that time into tasks that are restorative.

Finding Balance

Most of us have heard of the seven deadly sins: pride, greed, envy, wrath, lust, gluttony, and sloth.  Any virtue taken to an extreme can be destructive.

“The seven deadly sins might very well have started out as ambition, relaxation, awareness of one's good work, righteous anger, a healthy sexuality, and enjoying a good meal. It's all a matter of degree.” (“When Virtue becomes Vice” by Mary Loftus)

Take for example the ability to enjoy a good meal—a virtue that is inherent in most of us at some point. Yet this trait can warp into either gluttony or an eating disorder when taken to extremes. What causes these excessive behaviors? Is it a lack of self-control or an inability to find contentment?

A friend gave me a large bag of homegrown tomatoes yesterday. In their natural state, they were firm, their skins taut, shiny, and bright, with all their nutrients intact. As I boiled them, the skins cracked and peeled off. As the cell walls disintegrated, the flesh became soft, and fell apart. The longer I cooked them, the volume was reduced. The sauce became concentrated. I knew some of the nutrients were lost. The farther we get from our nature, the more likely we are to lose our essence and balance.

We all know that moderation is important, but very few of us can maintain a good balance in all areas. I notice that my habits become more extreme as I age, and also when I am weary. For example, when I am tired I am more likely to indulge in gluttony and sloth. As I get older, my habits tend to get concentrated—frugality turns into stinginess, caution turns to fear, and impatience turns into grumpiness.

 “Finding balance is more an internal matter than a superficial allotment of time. You need to know what is most important to you right now, what you need to build on for the future, which tasks or habits are draining your time and attention, and how much recovery time you need. The most important virtues today may in fact prove to be nimbleness and adaptability. Achieving balance ultimately rests on having courage…The courage to make difficult choices, to exclude other possibilities in order to choose the one that suits you best, to let go of fearing the disapproval or disappointment of others." (“When Virtue becomes Vice” by Mary Loftus) http://www.psychologytoday.com/em/131239

I have to stretch physically, mentally, and spiritually to increase my flexibility. In order to conserve my limited energy, I must choose my engagements more carefully. When there are multiple choices, I have to choose the best and eliminate the rest. As a middle-aged woman, I no longer have the time to seek approval from others. The only question that I need to ask myself is: Will I be disappointed in myself if I go down this path?

Christian Duty

Imagine if a husband says this to his wife: “As your husband, I feel it is my duty to spend some time with you—so I would like to take you out for dinner.”

Most likely, the wife would reply: “That’s okay…I think I’ll just stay home and have a bowl of cereal.”

Most of us consider anything done out of a sense of duty as disingenuous. We want relationships based on love, not on obligation. To have relationships in which we feel privileged to be with others, to get to know them, to serve them—this is an uncommon blessing.  

There are a few things I do, because I feel I ought to do them. I have no desire to carry out these responsibilities. Yet, since I feel bound by certain cultural mores, I half-heartedly go through the motions.

Moral obligations based on my own code of conduct have an even stronger influence on me. Keeping commitments, being faithful, being open and honest, speaking up for those who are oppressed, and helping those who are less fortunate—these principles shape my behavior, even when love is not present.

Closely related to these moral and ethical obligations is the concept of religious duty.

We have a Christian duty to…

Whatever comes after that phrase is all wrong. God desires us to act out of love, as He does. He doesn’t want us to pray, or read the Bible, or go to church, or follow all the rules, because we think we should. He doesn’t want us to have an obligatory relationship with Him. Instead He wants us to desire to be with Him, to know Him, and to please Him.

Between Fear and Recklessness

C.S. Lewis, in his book, The Screwtape Letters, discusses what commonly happens when there is a lull in anxiety. According to him, most people either live in a state of “tortured fear or stupid confidence.” I am familiar with both extremes.

I was stupidly confident as a young adult. I used to think that somehow everything would work out according to my plans as long as I worked hard, stayed organized, and practiced discipline. I believed I was in control and in charge. I was the captain of my own destiny. Then life came at me like a hurricane—wave after huge, unpredictable wave--tossing my plans like a boat in a storm. My confidence was wrecked!  Soon, I was washed up on the island of Tortured Fear. For years I stayed stranded, always jittery, anxious, and scared. Finally, after what seemed like forever, I was rescued by a strange, huge ship.

I’m still on this ocean liner. I wish I could say it was a luxury cruise ship—but it is not. There are no passengers, only crew members.  Everyone onboard seems to have a mission and a purpose. Each crew member focuses on his/her task for the day. Nobody seems to know where we are going except the Captain. I am still unsure and pessimistic. I don’t know what my role is here. I’m not in charge, and I don’t have much control anymore. I still waver between tortured fear and stupid confidence. Yet, occasionally I find peace in the middle—a moment of fearless trust, a feeling of blessed assurance.

““If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
    “I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care
    if you’ll only get to know and trust me.” (Psalm 91:14-16 MSG)

Cringe-worthy Moments

After 12 years of being a homeschool mom, I have now moved on to a new phase of life. I learned a lot of lessons along the way, but some didn’t really click until now.

Sometimes I have an ‘Aha-Moment’—a sudden insight or a moment of enlightenment. These are usually positive realizations like— I’m glad I was able to commit to being a full-time parent. I’m glad that we live where we live, and that my family was somewhat shielded from negative influences and experiences…

I also have Oh-Crap-Moments—when I suddenly realize that I’ve accidentally done something detrimental. I cringe as I think back on these well-intentioned, yet dumb decisions. Here are some examples:

Homeschooling tends to blur the boundaries between schoolwork and homework. My son had scheduled time where he and I sat together, and I explained lessons to him. He also had independent study time for reading, solving problems, and writing compositions, etc. Anytime he couldn’t figure something out on his own, I was always available to help. This seemed like a good idea at the time, as it worked well for both of us. Yet, now that he is 18 and in college, I realize I still have a tendency to help him figure things out when he is stuck. Oh-Crap! This is NOT good. I have to hold myself back—give him the time and space to find his own solutions. I need to make myself scarce. It’s awfully tempting to jump in and try to rescue him when I see him floundering. I need to divert my attention.

Which brings me to another cringing realization: In order to focus on certain parts of my life, I have neglected some other areas. Parenting and homeschooling have absorbed most of my time and energy over the last 18 years. I’ve put a lot of things on the back burner during this time—and you know what happens when you leave a dish unattended on the back burner for too long—it gets burned. Oh…I occasionally took the time to stir these neglected areas—promising myself that I would pay attention as soon as I got this or that done. But, inevitably some new project or crisis would come up and occupy my time and energy. I also excused my neglect by renaming it dedication. This attitude allowed me to be cavalier about my marriage and my friendships. I used it to justify my procrastination. I would defer investing in my physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual health.

What do I do with these cringing realizations—these Oh-Crap-Moments? Well, it’s similar to stepping in some dog doo-doo. Once you recognize it for what it is, you’ve got to clean your shoes before you spread the mess any further. And once you figure out how much effort it takes to rectify your blunders, you watch your step and avoid future piles of doo-doo. 

Secret Service Agent

The other day, I was watching a TV show about a covert agent who works for the CIA. She usually has a cover or ‘front’ in which she poses as a regular gal—going about sightseeing or working some low-profile job—while in actuality she is carrying out some important covert operation.

According to the CIA, “Covert operations aim to fulfill their mission objectives without any parties knowing who sponsored or carried out the operation.”

I think I have some secret service agents in my Bible study group! They routinely serve others covertly. Here are some lessons I’ve learned from these ladies over the years:

-Help strangers. Drop off contributions at an organization, church, or neighborhood that is not your own. When they don’t know who else to thank, they are more likely to thank God.

-Do micro-services, but do them daily. Small favors are less embarrassing for the recipients and can be done spontaneously.

-Work independently. Group projects may garner more support, bring in more donations, and attract more publicity—but they come with their own conflicts, compromises, and limitations.

-Be vigilant—don’t let your guard down. You may encounter double-dealing individuals who have their own hidden agenda. Don’t get drawn into compromising situations.

-If you recognize a fellow secret service agent—share information, resources, and encouragement.

Being a freelance-volunteer-secret service agent has advantages and disadvantages. It allows you to be flexible and make adjustments quickly as new information becomes available. However, the lack of a clearly defined role often leads to a loss of legitimacy, confidence, and identity. Yet, if you can get over your desire for acknowledgment, it can be a pretty good gig!

Encouraging The Encourager

I have a friend who is a cheerleader. No, she doesn’t cheer on a football team or wear skimpy clothes or even wave pom-poms. Instead, she encourages middle-aged women like me. She takes the time to write personal notes that affirm that each individual has value. She holds me accountable and keeps me on track. I am only one of the many people she reaches out to on a daily basis.

Recently, I made a point to let her know how much she meant to me. I’m ill at ease about writing mushy notes. Saying sentimental things out loud is even more uncomfortable. Yet, I put aside my squeamishness—and encouraged my encourager. She was effusive in her appreciation. I realized how often people like her get taken for granted. I benefit daily from her spirit and energy, but I didn’t think of mentioning it to her for months.

 

I’m changing my ways. These days, I allow myself to get gushy and mushy frequently. I have noticed that some people are a bit embarrassed and reluctant to accept gratitude. Some others wonder if I have a hidden agenda. However, I’m trying to worry less about appearing silly and inauthentic. As soon as gratitude bubbles up in my heart—I express it. It is such an easy, small thing to do—appreciating those who have blessed you in some way—telling them how they have made a difference in your day or in the way you think. If it appears too exuberant or too effusive…so be it.

Hummingbird’s Letter

Once upon a time, Hummingbird wrote a letter to God:

Dear Lord,

Why did you make me so weird? I’m so small that I can’t even get any respect from the juvenile sparrows! I can’t eat seeds, or grain—always stuck with this stupid long beak that is only good for sucking up nectar and catching bugs. Oh…and what were you thinking when you gave me these tiny, useless legs? Can’t even walk with them! It takes me so much energy to hover and fly that I spend most of my time just perching and digesting. I get so tired by the evening that I go into a state of torpor—shutting down to conserve what little energy I have left until morning. It is bad enough you made me so small and weak, but then you also expect me to migrate every winter, flying on these little tiny wings. What were you thinking? 

God’s Response:

Dear Hummingbird,

You may be small, but I made you energetic, fast, and acrobatic. Your beak can pierce deeper and find nectar that others can’t. Your legs are tiny, so that they don’t weigh you down. After you eat nectar, you were meant to sit still and digest it. You were made for a purpose—to pollinate specific flowers. By doing this, you glorify me. I delight in you, as I do in all my creations.

I designed you for glorious living, part of the overall purpose I am working out in everything and everyone. (Ephesians 1:11-12 MSG)

Good Idea or God Idea?

In the last chapter of the Gospel of John, Peter decided to go fishing. The rest of the disciples went along with him. They caught nothing that night. Then Jesus appeared and told them to try a different location. They did what he said and caught loads of fish.

Was it that the disciples were slightly off on their fishing location? I doubt it. I think their efforts were productive when God intended them to be.

Often we have well-laid, well-intentioned plans. We decide to help people, start a new project, move to a new location, or get involved in changing the world—all with the best intentions. Our friends and family may decide to go along with us and be supportive. We put all our energy, talent, experience, and resources into this pursuit. However, it doesn’t turn out the way we expect. We wonder why our efforts weren’t fruitful…at least not according to our standards.

“They don't understand [how to receive] God's approval. So they try to set up their own way to get it, and they have not accepted God's way for receiving his approval.” (God’s Word Translation of Romans 10:3)

Sometimes what seems to us like a good idea is not necessarily a God idea. How can we tell the difference? It’s really important to tune in to God and tune out everything else. The world’s input can be loud and irresistible, whereas the Spirit is subtle. The disciples didn’t recognize that their advisor was none other than Jesus, until after they caught all the fish. Most of the time, it’s easier to recognize Divine design in hindsight. 

I often ask God to reveal His plan to me. I must confess that what I’m really asking for is the ‘least problematic’ way. I imagine that God’s perfect plan will bring peace and comfort. Scripture shows otherwise. Jesus said to the father: “Thy will be done”. What followed was far from pleasant! So a problem-free outcome is not necessarily the sign of God’s approval.

A good idea might bring us validation from the world, whereas a God idea glorifies God.

Releasing an Emerging Adult

No matter how old our kids are, we will always be their parents. However, as our children become adults, we have to cut back on the intensity of our parenting. A newborn requires 100% intensity, while a school-age kid needs maybe 75%, and a college student might desire only 50% parental involvement. By the time our adult children are married and have their own kids, hopefully they are weaned completely from needing hands-on care. At some point, parents have to let go and allow their emerging adult children to find their own way.

In some cultures, parents and adult children are encouraged to be dependent on each other. In these instances, the goal is not to train up young adults to be independent, but to stay involved and entrenched—creating codependency. In their attempt to remain relevant and important, some parents inadvertently make their adult progeny feel juvenile, incapable, and immature. These adults are not given the space to grow as individuals and are not allowed to take care of their own children as they see fit. They do not have the freedom to discover their own strengths or to develop their own wisdom.

As a parent of an emerging adult, I have a lot to learn about letting go. I am tempted to rescue my son from every discomfort and correct every poor choice. This might make me feel useful, but it is damaging his growth and confidence. I must learn to release him and trust God to take care of him.

There are so many other people and issues that I need to release to God. Sometimes I forget that God is more capable than I am. Every time I am tempted to take over, I need to step back and let the Holy Spirit take control.

“For he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan.” (Ephesians 1:11 NLT)

Unchained Life

I have a bunch of inhibitions that chain me down. These self-limiting ideas prevent me from living fully. I was inoculated with most of these hang-ups during childhood and unfortunately receive booster shots every time I visit relatives. Here are a few examples:

-If I’m not pursuing worldly success, then I might be perceived as lazy, useless, unambitious, and unworthy of respect. 

-I feel guilty about doing anything for myself.

-I equate taking risks with losing control.

-I’m afraid that I will lose the ones I love.

These hang-ups constrain my progress, weighing me down like chains around my ankles. Some days, I sense that these fixations are false, and that I can be free of them. But then I’m overwhelmed again, and like a prisoner who goes back to the familiarity of the prison walls, I return to a life of bondage.

Alice Walker, best known for writing The Color Purple, had a lot of profound things to say about freedom:

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any.”

“For in the end, freedom is a personal and lonely battle; and one faces down fears of today so that those of tomorrow might be engaged.”

When we are unaware of our potential, we underutilize our power. As we push ourselves, we realize the extent of our capabilities. Freedom is not a group project--it is a personal battle. Neither our family nor our friends can release us from these self-limiting shackles. Every phase brings its own obstacles and baggage. We can’t put off dealing with our current fears, or else we will be overwhelmed as tomorrow’s concerns come up.

How can I live an unchained life? Realize that I’m responsible for my personal hang-ups, push myself daily, and deal with fears as they come up.