Between Fear and Recklessness

C.S. Lewis, in his book, The Screwtape Letters, discusses what commonly happens when there is a lull in anxiety. According to him, most people either live in a state of “tortured fear or stupid confidence.” I am familiar with both extremes.

I was stupidly confident as a young adult. I used to think that somehow everything would work out according to my plans as long as I worked hard, stayed organized, and practiced discipline. I believed I was in control and in charge. I was the captain of my own destiny. Then life came at me like a hurricane—wave after huge, unpredictable wave--tossing my plans like a boat in a storm. My confidence was wrecked!  Soon, I was washed up on the island of Tortured Fear. For years I stayed stranded, always jittery, anxious, and scared. Finally, after what seemed like forever, I was rescued by a strange, huge ship.

I’m still on this ocean liner. I wish I could say it was a luxury cruise ship—but it is not. There are no passengers, only crew members.  Everyone onboard seems to have a mission and a purpose. Each crew member focuses on his/her task for the day. Nobody seems to know where we are going except the Captain. I am still unsure and pessimistic. I don’t know what my role is here. I’m not in charge, and I don’t have much control anymore. I still waver between tortured fear and stupid confidence. Yet, occasionally I find peace in the middle—a moment of fearless trust, a feeling of blessed assurance.

““If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
    “I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care
    if you’ll only get to know and trust me.” (Psalm 91:14-16 MSG)