Freeing Ourselves from Shame

(Continuation of last Post titled Straightjackets)

Freeing ourselves from the bondage of shame involves recognizing it. I often confuse shame and guilt. Previously, I had read somewhere that guilt is what you feel when you don’t meet your own standards, and shame is what you feel when you don’t meet other people’s standards. I found this quote to be a useful tool in sorting out my standards from those that I had absorbed merely through exposure.

Recently, I read a different definition of guilt and shame. According to Brene Brown, guilt is a feeling about behavior, while shame is about identity. Guilt says I did something bad. Shame says I am bad. Guilt says I did something selfish; shame says I am selfish.

Once we differentiate shame from guilt, then the next step is to identify our personal triggers--what or who makes you feel like you are not good enough?

My shame triggers are any situation or person that makes me feel useless, incompetent, lazy, stupid, selfish, or neglectful. When I am going through shame, I often don’t identify it correctly. I just know I feel yucky. I can’t think straight. I react in unhealthy and unproductive ways. Either I say or do things I regret or cave in to the shame.

According to Brown, the final step out of shame involves reaching out to a confidante—someone you can trust. Be careful not to confide in those who attempt to shrink you further so that they may control you, or make you feel smaller so that they can feel bigger. Shame thrives in secrecy. Opening up to an empathetic person who gives you space to be vulnerable may finally release you from the shackles of shame.

(I listened to several talks by Brene Brown on the subject of shame. Most of today’s post is my interpretation on her ideas.)