“The
beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to
twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of
ourselves we find in them.” (Thomas Merton)
We often try to mold our loved ones to fit our vision, rather than accepting them for the unique individuals they are. This is partly because we assume that in order to fulfill our vision, our true calling, we need everyone else to stay in line and do their part. This creates a great deal of conflict between people who share the same physical and mental space.
We often try to mold our loved ones to fit our vision, rather than accepting them for the unique individuals they are. This is partly because we assume that in order to fulfill our vision, our true calling, we need everyone else to stay in line and do their part. This creates a great deal of conflict between people who share the same physical and mental space.
Here
are a few different examples: if you live with a smoker, his desire to smoke
infringes on your desire to stay healthy. If you share a cubicle with a
co-worker who thrives on chaos and drama, this may encroach on your need for
peace. If you like to play loud music at night, this may intrude on your
neighbor’s wish to sleep. If you insist that your son get a crew cut and dress
in clothes that you feel are appropriate, this may violate your son’s ideas of
how he wants to express himself. If your aging parents want you to remain at
their beck and call, this might prevent you from doing much of anything
else.
I’ve
been wondering: How can I be myself—live
according to my own value system—without infringing on others’ right to be themselves? How far do you yield your
values in order to accommodate someone else’s values?
My
18-year-old son had some wise words to say about this. He said: “It depends on
the relationship--it’s okay for spouses to yield a bit to each other. Parents
of minor children may have to yield even more. However, with relatives,
friends, neighbors, coworkers, acquaintances, etc., you have to know when to shield rather than yield.”
Protect
your values, rather than yield to someone else’s vision. Shield others
too—don’t impose your ideas on them. Give yourself and others plenty of
personal space for full expression. If your vision of an ideal life requires
other people to yield their values, then it’s time to revise your ambitions.
Accept yourself. Accept others. Know when to shield rather than yield.
That was excellent advice from your Son and I hope you are filled with Gratitude for his willingness to share that with you.
ReplyDeleteI remember clearly the wisest thing my husband said to me about the "beck and call" syndrome was "Just because you love them, doesn't mean you have to like them." When you don't like people because of their expressions of what they believe is right, and you are not in a position to be unable to not surround yourself with them, as you would do with others you would not associate your life with, just keep repeating that mantra in your head. Don't punish yourself inside for being you and they are them. Admit the truth to yourself and God that you don't like their interference in how you live your life that He has provided for you and always remember and hold onto, "this too shall pass."