Straightjackets

Imagine you are hosting a party at your house, and everyone you ever knew happens to be there. You suddenly feel sick and run to the bathroom. As soon as you shut the door behind you, you either vomit/or have diarrhea. (Pick whichever is most yucky to you.) Your clothes are a mess, but there is no way to discreetly clean up yourself and the surroundings. You need someone to fetch you a set of clean clothes and some cleaning supplies. You have your cell phone, and you can contact anybody at that party. Who would you call? Who would you trust enough to open up to in your yuckiest, most vulnerable moments? Would you call anyone? Or try to stay in the bathroom until everyone eventually leaves? Which one of your friends/relatives would be the last person you would call?

Or maybe involuntary bodily functions are not so embarrassing for you. If so, imagine you have just been caught driving while intoxicated, and you are sure to lose your job over this crime. Who would you call?  

When I am feeling vulnerable, yucky, humiliated—I would rather be by myself. However, if I couldn’t extricate myself from the situation, I would call my husband, my sis, or one of my good friends. I am blessed to have these loved ones whom I can trust in times of vulnerability. There were times in my life when I wasn’t so lucky. In some of my darkest moments, I have felt like I couldn’t open up to anyone for fear of judgment or rejection.

Sociologist and author Brene Brown speaks eloquently about the subject of shame and shame resilience. Several of her talks are available online, and I highly recommend them. Below is something that she said that resonated with me:

“Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we’re supposed to be. And it’s a straightjacket.” (Brene Brown) 

There are some people in our lives that we would never call in times of trouble—those whom we suspect would bring us the straightjacket of shame and degradation, rather than empathy and grace; those who are likely to belittle and disparage, rather than encourage and defend us. What if someone brings you a straightjacket and says: “Here, I think this jacket is just your size, try it on?” When we allow someone to manipulate us through shame, we are voluntarily sticking our arms into a straightjacket. Once we are strapped into shame, we are pretty much ineffective.

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