Separate Lanes

When someone has hurt us deeply, how can we forgive and move forward?

Forgiving is not the same as forgetting or excusing someone’s behavior. In The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie describes healthy forgiveness as forgiveness with boundaries: “Not the kind that invites that person to use us again, but a forgiveness that releases the other person and sets him or her free to walk a separate path, while releasing our anger and resentments. That sets us free to walk our own path.”

Healthy forgiveness does not invite abuse. It acknowledges the validity of the pain, while recognizing that it was in the past. Now, we walk a separate path--no longer the path of victimhood--but of recovery.

Forgiveness with boundaries can be difficult between people who share a home or are dependent on each other. It is much more challenging to cultivate healthy forgiveness with a spouse than it is with friends, siblings, parents, or adult children who no longer live with you. Developing a separate path requires physical and emotional space.

Releasing anger and resentment is the first step in healthy forgiveness. Then, we must establish boundaries--taking ownership for only our part, while letting others take responsibility for their parts. You may still be traveling alongside those who have hurt you. If so, carve out some physical and emotional space by staying in your own lane.